dog woman
I was at a club one night with some friends and, for once, was actually sober.
A friend of a friend of a friend introduced a couple of girls to the crowd I was with. One of my mates took a shine to one of them, and the other took a shine to me.
She plonked herself down on my lap and proceeded to tell me how gorgeous I was.
I wasn't really interested. Take a young Wendy Richard, hit her a few times with a plank of wood, take away tits, give her the voice of Frank Butcher and you'd be pretty much spot on.
She was also several years older than me which was ok as I was only 16 so therefore had to blag it at the bar every time I went and was broke.
Anyway, she plied me with drink until she got my phone number. Then told me:-
"I ain't no slag, you can't come back to mine tonight.
Come tomorrow and that will be alright."
Yes, cos that doesn't make you a slag does it?
Next day, hungover I start getting pestered with phone calls which my mother kindly screens. I've described said dog lady and I have her sympathies.
After something like the ninth call I no longer have them and she thrusts the phone at my head.
Dog lady loves me. Dog lady wants to cover me with chocolate.
I try to get away from the phone, but I'm only 16 and don't quite have the words yet.
I end up getting out of going round there by promising to go to her 'party' the next week.
Dead scared I ring up my mate who'd got of with her friend. He was going to the party, but would only go if I went.
Over the course of the week I started thinking, why not? I'd get laid, by a dog woman yeah - but I'd get laid and sometimes all you need is a dark room!
The week passes and we're at the party. It's on a council estate and every person there is so chavtastic that it's breath taking. They all thought me and my mate were posh cos we didn't live in council houses (we're both cockney eastender types - posh?)
anyway, the whole party was a fucking nightmare. Dog woman picked one bloke up and physically throwing him out for insulting me (I was a tad relieved as he was scary).
When it came time for her to drag me into a bedroom I was a bit relieved as I couldn't cope with the party anymore.
to cut to the chase, by this point I'd had quite alot to drink and was very tired.
She got me naked and stared doing some writhing thing that hurt my balls. Then she lay down and invited me to slobber all over her.
I was pretty much find hole, fuck hole, goto sleep.
But there was a problem. I couldn't find her hole. I knew where all the places were, but she was so dry that I couldn't tell what was what.
I tried a bit of spit to 'help things along' but it just got absorbed by this big dry twat.
In the end I gave up. I was tired, drunk and she was bloody ugly. I rolled over and went to sleep.
I was the worst sex that dog woman had ever had.

On the plus side everyone thought I'd shagged her rotten and thought I was very brave for doing so (most people were scared of her). She protested and tried to spread the word around that I was crap. As it turns out, she had such a reputation for letting everyone but the milkmans dog down there, nobody believed her.
(EvilMeister, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 1:36, Reply)