never shag an epileptic
many years ago, i was living in a bedsit when my mate invited me down to meet her new fella. little did i know it was a set-up. she'd told her man's best mate (no, not his cock) all about me and he'd decided i was the one for him.
i get down there to find this lanky geek with glasses like coke-bottles and the worst dress sense i've ever seen. seriously, Giles Brandreth would ask him wtf he was doing outside in those clothes.
anyway, i've had experiences with a few geeks, who all had huge todgers. i thought, what the hell, he might be good for a shag.
i didn't know he was epileptic then.
we drank a great deal that night. we had lots of vodka, but no coke or lemonade, so we mixed it with wine instead. classy, i know.
my mate decides it's time for a bit of loving and drags her bloke off to the bedroom.
i must have been very drunk, because he asked for a blow and i agreed. i am so glad he kept the lights on. i was on my knees in a flash, unbuttoned his pants and got his old man out. it wasn't a bad size, actually. however, due to being a vain bitch, i hadn't worn my glasses that night. i was just about to pop his nob in my mouth, when i saw something that made me stop. something blue. i looked closer and discovered that it was loo roll. not just an isolated bit, either. there were small bits of it all over his manhood, kinda rolled into little tube shapes where he had obviously been rubbing it.
the shriek i let out, followed by extremely loud and unsubtle retching sounds, brought my mate and her man out of the bedroom to have a look. after they'd stopped laughing, my mate asked me what was wrong.
"he's got smeggy bog roll all over his cock, that's what's wrong!" i yelled. the laughing this time went on for five minutes.
he went redder than a sunburned scrotum and ran for the bathroom, while i grabbed the vodka bottle and drained it.
shortly after, he was cleaned up and i was pissed enough to give him another try. no blow job, though, i've never given another one since. it was okay, i suppose, so i decided to give him a trial run. i was bored and constantly horny, i needed cock on tap.
about a week later, we were both in mine and, feeling the old horn yet again, we started to get down to things. my bed was very small, too small for both of us to be comfortable. the floor was not an option as carpet burns hurt like fuck. i knew that the bedsit across the hall was empty, unlocked and, best of all, had a double bed. what it didn't have was a double mattress.
not wanting to give up so easily, we decided to take my mattress with us, thinking that two singles would a double make. there we were, 3a.m, running across the hall like a couple of giant, naked bedbugs with my mattress between us. unfortunately, my landlord always kept the hall lights on. even more unfortunately, my elderly neighbour chose that precise moment to get a drink of water from our communal kitchen. this wasn't too bad, you may think, the mattress would surely cover the bulk of our nakedness. this would have been the case if his bedsit wasn't behind us.
after a very embarrassed silence, my neighbour turned round and went back into his room.
we finally got into the empty bedsit, put my mattress next to the other one on the double base, and proceeded to get down to things.
we didn't proceed too far. after two minutes, his little fella was limper than a vicar's handshake and no amount of coaxing would wake it. my fella then decided to tell me he was severely epileptic and the medication he was on often made it very difficult for him to keep a stiffy for more than a minute or two. "keep a stiffy?" i shouted, "you couldn't get it up with a concrete injection!"
as i stormed off back to my room, still naked, my neighbour poked his head out again. i just said "what the fuck are you looking at?" and went into my room. i threw my now ex boyfriend's clothes out of my window. he was not happy about this, or the fact that i wouldn't let him back into my room. needless to say, we've never spoken since.
that was 13 years ago, but he still pesters my friend for my phone number, telling her he loves me. what a tit.

length? 2 minutes, i already told you.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sat 16 Jun 2007, 16:23, Reply)