Where to start?
I've had a lot of very bad sex. A lot of brilliant sex too, but some has been terribly traumatic.

No-one has ever been awful enough to actually shit the bed whilst I've been in it, although dredging through my repressed memories brings to mind the case of Sam.

I was a young man, vastly inexperienced and quite frankly very grateful to get some. Sam was 32, a mother of two, and not too bad looking. Rough as old boots, but very pleasant none the less.

We flirted over a period of weeks, as we worked in the same corner shop, and one evening I ended up in her house, having a smoke and a chat, and one thing led to another. Eventually I got the hint that she was trying to seduce me and I lost no time in having a good fiddle with all the pertinent bits, gradually working my way down.

Eventually I took a deep breath and went down on her; from her reaction I gathered that she was enjoying herself, and she decided a 69 was in order, her on top.

I was thrilled with my luck and closed my eyes, concentrating on making a good job of things. After a few minutes my eyes opened and I was struck with horror. Her bumhole, of which I naturally had a great view, appeared to have grapes protruding from it (my first ever experience of piles!), and was a little brown and crusty.

I got up and left. And vomited in a bush. I found it difficult to look her in the eye after that.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Sat 16 Jun 2007, 22:31, Reply)