b3ta.com user moonjam
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Seasonal pea-roasting from many moons ago

Merry Christmas everyone!
(Wed 22nd Dec 2004, 8:55, More)

Best answers to questions:

» My Wanking Disasters

Working in Tesco's
a few years back, there was a particularly 'special' trolley boy named Sean. He was 34 and had been working as trolley boy for about 6 years.

Sitting in the staff canteen, one of the older guys who worked on Wines and Spirits was telling Sean & myself about his army days, specifically the story of how one solider had been caught fucking an orange filled with toothpaste. The story went that the soldier said the orange/toothpaste was the closest thing to a vagina they could get in the barracks and pretty soon all the troops had minty fresh cocks and pips under their foreskin (Urban myth? Who knows...).

I went back to the canteen at the end of the (same) day for my last break and there was the same guy telling the same story, I sat and had a cigarette when Sean lumbered through just at the part "it feels just like a vagina..." to which he proudly shouted "Ha! It fucking doesn't!" over his shoulder. With perhaps the best unintentional comic timing I have ever witnessed, my manager walked in as Sean walked out and said "Some daft cunts jammed an orange in the toilet...".

And that is the closest I have ever come to soiling myself.
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 23:29, More)

» Shit Stories

Lady poo
When I was a student, I lived with 2 other guys and (therefore) we had all experienced the horror of walking into a freshly poisoned toilet. However one night, after a really shit evenings work at Tesco's, I walked into the flat toilet and was instantly greeted with the foulest of airs imaginable by man. Knowing that at least one of the bastards was responsible I started shouting "You dirty fucking cunt! It fucking stinks of your evil shitty shit in there you diseased bastard...".

As I walked into the lounge, not only were both my flatmates in, but so were 2 of their parents. The Mother looked at me in disgust and stomped out before I could aoplogise for my language. I only found out after they had left that (with my other flatmate nearly shitting himself laughing) they had only 'popped in to use the loo' - and it was her who had needed it.

Oh dear.
(Wed 5th May 2004, 23:15, More)

» Mini Cabs From Hell

Picture the scene
It's about 1am. You're sober as a judge. The roads are empty. You've been sitting in the front of a cab quietly driving for about 10 minutes. Nothing has happened, the radio isn't on and you certainly haven't said or seen anything.

Then the driver just starts laughing... uncontrollably, shoulder shaking, spittle flecking the windscreen laughter. No reason, no explanation and seemingly no stopping.

I sat there, naturally shitting my pants, waiting for the sudden 'left turn' down a wrong side road. Then for no good reason, as I ran through all the horrible things that could/would happen - I pictured him turning around and vomiting on me. For even less of a good reason I found this to be funny. So funny that I myself started laughing. And so both of us like complete fucking idiots laughed all the way back to my front door.

It cost £11
(Wed 26th May 2004, 22:14, More)

» Your Revenge Stories

A few years ago my girlfriend dumped me via the phone.

I went to my room and cried and cried like a little girl.

That showed her.
(Fri 14th May 2004, 13:25, More)

» My Worst Date

Worst date of them all...

September 11th - 2001

I don't think I will ever forget this day.

I stared at my television, not allowing myself to believe what I was seeing...

So much needless pain. So much wrong.

So many innocent people suffering at the hands of one mans deluded vision.

Yes, this was the day that I sat and watched a tape of Johnny Vaughn's sitcom, "'Orrible".

Sweet Baby Christ why?
(Sun 24th Oct 2004, 19:15, More)
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