b3ta.com user shavedchimp
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Recent front page messages:

bloody ipod battery life

(Fri 28th Jul 2006, 9:37, More)

Tories go for Sea Mammal vote

(Thu 10th Oct 2002, 14:21, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Evil Pranks

not really evil
but a few weeks ago i went into Waterstones. Someone had left a sheet of "signed by the author" stickers on a table, so I swiped it and spent a while sticking them on copies of The Bible, Dickens, Jane Austen etc.
(Wed 19th Dec 2007, 21:29, More)

» Fire!

Fun with ligher fuel
My chum who we'll call "Beaker" once tried to demonstrate how you can pour lighter fuel into your palm, light it and the flame hovers over your hand.

Unfortunately he rather overdid it on the lighter fuel and ended up with his hand on fire which he tried to put out by shaking it violently around the lounge.

The resulting effect was not unlike something out of the X-men. Only with more swearing.
(Thu 3rd Nov 2005, 9:41, More)

» Stupid Tourists

A two pipe problem
I used to live on Baker Street in London. For those who don't know, the section of Baker Street including the fictional address of Sherlock Holmes, 221 Baker St, is occupied by the Abbey National. There is a plaque on the wall with a quote from one of the books regarding this. I lived between the Abbey National and the Sherlock Holmes museum a few doors up the street.

I heard various things in my time there as the queue for the museum used to run past our front door:

Couple of tourists from you know where standing in front of plaque on Abbey National: "My god, they knocked his house down. (shakes head) Do these people have no respect for history?"

Another: "His grandson now works for Scotland Yard."

Another: "If he wasn't real, why did all these books get written about him?"

I'll get my deerstalker.
(Mon 11th Jul 2005, 11:02, More)

» Mini Cabs From Hell

Oscar Wilde Lives
My brother is in Exeter with his wife. They've come out of Exeter's greatest nightclub (Timepiece) and are hanging around waiting for a cab which she's ordered from Execabs or somesuch firm. A cab (from another firm) is parked up and my brother goes over and asks the driver if he's from Execabs.

"Doesn't bloody say Execabs on the side of the cab, does it?"

"It doesn't say 'I'm a stupid cock' either," says my brother.

Delighted with his rapier-like wit, they proceed to wait for their cab. Which never turns up and his wife then has to go and apologise to this other cab and ask if he can take them home. Which, rather amazingly, he does.
(Thu 27th May 2004, 14:23, More)

» Toilets

Two stories about my brothers
1. Middle brother wakes up one morning at parents' house after a night on the lash. Lying in bed nursing hangover he hears his girlfriend on the landing talking to mum: "Is he awake yet?" "I don't know, I'm going to go and get him up and tell him what he did."

Turns out he woke up in the middle of the night for a slash and, ignoring the en-suite bathroom mere feet away, walked down the landing, turned into younger brother's bedroom and sleepily relieved himself all over younger brother's bed. Then went back to bed. Luckily younger brother was away at uni at the time.

2. And now one about younger brother (still in parent's house). He'd been down the local, got plastered, and woke up in his bedroom in middle of night busting for one. In his bleary-minded state he thought he was (a) still in the pub and (b) the gleaming white radiator in front of him was the gent's urinal. Which he proceeded to use. Cue mum coming in in the morning "Why is the floor all wet here?" "Er, oh, I spilt some tea..."
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 15:17, More)
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