» Kids say the shittiest things

Expectations
From our 3 yr. old at the time...
Me: "How 'bout you finish the rest of those peas"
Kiddo: "No Daddy, how 'bout a pony"
(Fri 24th May 2013, 20:49, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Hmmm....
So this Air-South-Africa plane is flying across the mountains, and the pilot announces that there's too much weight, and they're gonna have to start throwing people off to avoid crashing into a mountainside. So the stewardess gets up and says "We're going to be totally fair, and do this in alphabetical order. So, all Africans, Blacks and Colored people please jump off now!"

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Why did god invent the orgasm?
So the blacks would know when to stop fucking!

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A man finds an old oil lamp in the attic, and rubs it to see if a genie will pop out. Sure enough, a genie pops out and says "I grant you three wishes, but you must wish them silently in your mind, do not speak them aloud!"

He goes downstairs later to get a beer from the fridge, and there on the middle shelf is a million dollars. "Wow, a cool million!" he thinks to himself, maybe this genie was onto something.

He then wonders if the other 2 wishes have come true? He runs upstairs, and sure enough, there's [insert supermodel name here] lying naked on the bed, with pouty lips.

Just then, there's a ring at the doorbell, so he goes downstairs to answer it. Outside is a Klu-Klux Klan man, all dressed in white with a pointy hood, and a noose in his hand, and he says "You wanne be hung like a nigger?"
(Fri 16th Dec 2005, 14:07, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Reminds me of one o' my favorite jokes...
Q. What's the smelliest thing in the world?
A. An anchovie's cunt!
(Mon 12th Jul 2004, 13:46, More)

» Pubs

Heater
In a pub in Cambridge, probably about 1994...
Was out drinking with my mate Ken, an Irishman chemist who had a liver the size of a football. We were all a bit cold in our flat (being students and all), and Ken was eyeing up this portable propane heater that we were all standing next to.

Well, as we're walking home, about a 1/4 mile from the pub, I notice Ken is lagging behind a bit... fucker had put his coat over the heater (still burning), and walked out the door with it. At this point, he lifts it in the air and the gas bottle falls out the back - cue mass hiding behind buildings by the rest of us. Anyway, we got it home and it kept us warm for the rest of the winter. Still no fucking clue how he managed to just walk out the door with a 2' x 2' x 3' chunk of metal under his coat, with smoke coming out of it!
(Mon 9th Feb 2009, 18:42, More)

» The Onosecond

Was on a call to tech support...
trying to get a spectrophotometer fixed, and the guy on the other end of the phone was being a bit of a fucktard, slow, sounding like he'd just got out of bed.

Fellow lab member says "what's the hold up?"

I put my hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and reply "this guy's really slow, he sounds like a complete fucking bozo!"

Cue response from the other end of the phone... "no sir, I think you'll find I am not a bozo, and you'd better look somewhere else for technical support". Clink... Brrrr... If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again...
(Thu 26th May 2005, 13:38, More)