» Weddings

While at Uni, i worked weekends in a hotel
...and thus saw a LOT of wedding receptions, and have a lot of semi interesting memories of them. But rather than bore you all, I'll stick to just one. At the moment.

Wedding speeches are always fun, and one Father-of-the-Bride effort went along the lines of "Well, it's finally happened. My little Sophie's married. It's the moment that my wife and I have been hoping for, and chance for her new life to start. But as one door closes, another opens, and I'm taking this opportunity to tell my wife that I've had enough. You may have thought that I believed your weekends away involved visiting your sister, but I knew that you spent the weekend knob-gobbling and ass-fucking Jeffrey (groom's surname). So... " (getting sheaf of papers from pocket) "...I'm filing for divorce. You'll get nothing from me, and you two can pay for the wedding."

FotB raises glass, knocks back Scotch, and walks off. Rather spoilt the mood for the rest of the night
(Thu 14th Jul 2005, 19:16, More)

» Mistaken Identity

Oh the fun I have.
...eating pork and inciting jihads, and letting him take the blame.

Omar Bakri Mohammed (The Tottenham Ayatollah) and Tepid Halibut (You 'umble B3TAN.) I forget which is which !
(Thu 31st May 2007, 19:41, More)

» Food sabotage

Not exactly sabotage, but...
As student, worked in a hotel in Aberdeen, and was regularly pissed off by big-headed yanks. (Better than being pissed on by them, but that's not relevant.)

So, some yank big-shot arrives at 11.00 pm, and demands that the restaurant stays open until he eats. After a leisurely shower (what a ****) he wanders down.

I'd managed to persuade one of the senior chefs to stay on, and the yank decides to order off-menu. (Double arse.) He says he enjoys Mexican food, but nothing too spicey, and would like whtever the UK equivalent is.

Right.... Chef whips up a pretty mean Chicken Korma, mushroom rice and something like a naan. I had a taste, the chef having confirmed it was unadulterated, and it was bloody good.

Served the yank the curry (unmolested) and scuttled off to cover for the departing chef. After a sweet, the yank admitted he thoroghly enjoyed it, tho' admitted that the hotness was just at his limit (wuss.)

However, as it had taken too long to prepare, he wouldn't be tipping us, so we could learn a lesson about customer service.

Sabotage / Revenge ? Sadly lacking so far, but he did ask us what sort of curry it was. Hopefully, thereafter I do hope he asks for Chicken Vindaloo hoping to emulate that wonderful one.

Ringpiece Revenge I hope.
(Sat 20th Sep 2008, 13:35, More)

» It was a great holiday, but...

What's Got A Nut In Every Bite ?
For my sins, I was supervising a bunch of of Scouts camping in Norway way back in 1981 (don't ask !) and discovered that everything there is f'ing expensive (6quid for a pint of piss-weak beer!). Everything except peanuts. So that's all the little buggers bought.

So after a particularly heavy night of 'nut binge, we were on a coach to some glub-forsaken mountain, when one sprout decided to chuck-up.

All we had to contain the barf was a BIG clear plastic bag. So between the mass of peanut gobblers, bumpy roads, smell of combined vomit / peanuts, and sight of clear bag filling up with hurl, soon we had contributions from almost all 24 sprouts. Laugh ?, I almost choked !

Eventually, having emptied their stomachs, the bag was close to bursting, so we tied the top, persuaded the driver to stop, and we left it at the side of the road and drove off.

Returning eight hours later, the bag was still there. I wonder whatever happening to it ?
(Sat 23rd Apr 2005, 19:52, More)

» Presents

Nuttier than it sounds... No Really
A few years ago, I gave this as a present to several friends and relatives. To this day, it's still a source of incredulity, discussion and hilarity.

How to Good-bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way?

Trust me...
(Thu 26th Nov 2009, 22:55, More)