b3ta.com user Doctor Evil
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Doctor Evil has retired from his quest for world domination to grow fuchsias at his cottage in Dorset with Mrs. Evil.

Mutant, man-eating fuschsias, I tell you!!!!

Those frikkin' GM fools know nothing!!!!

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!

{Continues in same vain for 15 minutes}

Doctor and Mrs. Evil have now returned from their secret hollowed out volcanic island in the Caribbean.

Recent front page messages:

Flogging a dead horse #1

(Tue 21st Dec 2004, 16:34, More)

Best answers to questions:

» Job Interviews

ICI in around 1986....
In those days I harboured an ambition to work as a career bioscientist in a multi-national pharmaceutical company. So I applied for what on retrospect was a fairly menial technical post at the mighty ICI research facility at Audley Edge in Cheshire.

So I was called for an interview which involved overnighting at a hotel near Macclesfield, expenses paid even free food and beer! So far, so good....

In the morning, I was collected by cab to go to the interview, arrived at the relevant building and was duly passed through security and introduced to the guy who'd be my line manager.

He was called Oliver. He was an utter twat.

Over the next 3 hours I was subjected to a battery of practical tests - one of which was so basic and consisted of counting cell colonies on a culture plate - and general grilling. For over an an hour, I had question after question. Each time I answered one, I'd just get to the point when Oliver would butt in with the next question.

In the end, I just said that I didn't think that this was productive and that I thought he was rude and should let me answer his questions without interrruption and that I didn't think we could ever have a productive working relationship.

"Why?" quoth Oliver.

"Because you're a cunt." End of interview.

Funnily I never was invited for interview at ICI again and the job was readvertised in 'New Scientist' with the caveat 'Previous applicants need not apply...'
(Thu 20th Jan 2005, 10:53, More)

» Weddings

Another one that was told me....
Apparently this happened at a wedding where the groom had been divorced twice.
All had gone smoothly, no embarassing speeches, not a mention of either of his 2 ex-wives and with the wedding breakfast over the DJ asked the happy couple if they had any special request for the first dance.
"No not at all," they said. "You choose something."
And with that the DJ went back, announced that the bride and groom were to take the floor....... and started playing "You're once, twice, three times a laydeeeeeeeeee......"
A jaw to floor moment if ever there were.
(Mon 18th Jul 2005, 14:27, More)

» Shoddy Presents

My brother is possibly the meanest git on the planet
when it comes to Christmas presents.
I buy him, his missus and 3 offspring pretty good stuff - clothes from Gap, books, videos/DVD's etc.
I take time and effort to buy stuff they might actually enjoy and like.
What do I fucking get?
One year, a crap green check shirt out of which the dye ran making my upper body look like it had gone mouldy.
Another year, Giles Brandreth's auto-fucking-biography.
Giles fucking Brandreth, I fucking ask you.
And my brother's a fucking solicitor.
Tight bastard.
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 15:46, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 16:06, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

Not a lie by my parents but by a primary school teacher.
This happened when I was 7 or 8.

We had this right old battle-axe of teacher for religous education.

She explained why there were black and white people in the world was that in the Garden of Eden there was this pool for the 4 children of Adam and Eve to wash themselves.

They all got filthy dirty and the first two used up all the water so the other two were left black from then on!

This was back in the un-PC and "unenlightened" days of the 60's so the attitudes behind it seem all the more appalling as we did have some Afro-Carribean kids in the class!
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 13:43, More)
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