b3ta.com user Colostomy Bag Explosion
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Mostly Harmless.

Lives in the utopia that is Milton Keynes.

Some of my less shit stuff....

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Best answers to questions:

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Yorkshire Terrier Vs. Electrical tape
I live two doors down from a family that are not the family from hell, but just plain annoying. The main thing that used to irritsate the fuck out of me was their Yorkshire Terrier which they used to leave outside to bark at every waking moment, be it 1pm or 1am; it was horrible.

I decided to take matters into my own hands one late evening when it was left in thier back garden..... Opening their gate, i coaxed it to me with biscuits, picked it up and ran to an empty garage where me and a helping hand taped its mouth shut with electrical tape and painted "Shut the fuck up" on it's white fur with red garage door paint. I then politely placed it back into their garden. The dog has never appeared since.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 18:35, More)

» Shit Claims to Fame II

Many years ago,
I went to the Gambia in Africa with my parents over the Christmas period.

We were there for two weeks and it was possibly the hottest place I've ever been. I spent most of the time running around on the beach playing football and playing with other kids from the hotel, but didn't realise that in hot weather, you become dehydrated very quickly and this can have adverse consequences.

A few days into the holiday, i got the shits really, really bad - proper weapons-grade diarrhea; It's the only time in my life that i've actually shat in a bed.

This lasted for about 3 days until on Christmas day itself, i was confident that i wasn't going to drop bombs all over the place without warning. On Christmas day, the residents of the hotel were invited for Christmas dinner on the beach. Me and my family went down to the beach and sat down, when we realised that just a short distance away was the BBC Newsround Team and the one and only John Craven filming a section on Christmas in Africa.

My parents thought it would be a great idea to have dinner and then go watch them filming and try to maybe grab a couple of pictures with Craven himself; so, we had our dinner and then made our way over to seafront to see if we could get on tv.

All was well, but eating such rich food was starting to make my stomach gurgle something fierce. When we got to where the crew was filming, Jon Craven was already chatting to other people and had virtually finished doing his bits to camera. My Dad approached him and asked would he mind having a few pictures taken with me and my sister, and he duly obliged; he even said he had one bit to camera left to do and asked if we'd like to be on camera with him and a group of other kids for the 'goodby from Africa' part of the VT. AWESOME!

So, we all get into shot around Craven, the camera starts rolling, and he does his bit to camera and all the kids - including me - jump and shout 'Goodbye!' enthusiastically....

... A little bit too enthusiastically in my case, as i proceeded to shit myself.

My one appearance on national TV and I shit myself. Happy Christmas.
(Fri 21st Sep 2012, 12:08, More)

» The Onosecond

Theatrical No-show...
Whilst working at a certain theatre here in MK, my boss was a bit of a twat. Self obsessed coke-head who was as gay as a window. He was a he-bitch.

Anyway, i decided to do a b3ta-style photoshop of his uber-tanned head on top of a bloke fucking a goat, all formatted to look like an 'offical' theatre program with the title of "Animal Farm: The Musical".

I emailed it to my mate on the stage door... or what i thought was the stage-door email inbox. Turns out it was the general enquires inbox, and thus ended up in the hands of the management.

Exit stage left....
(Fri 27th May 2005, 22:59, More)

» Rock and Roll Stories

Watchin the Foos at Hyde Park 2 weeks ago
Spent all day in the sun drinking beer and jumping around like a 'tard; wasn't really in the right mindset to be thinking about dehydration and such.
Anyway to cut a long story short, the resulting lack of water and heatstoke created a mass ejection of vomit all over the back of Footballer's Wives 'Star' Gary Lucy whilst waiting for a tube at a tube station (the name of which escapes me due to the fact i was cunted at the time).

I thought it was a bloody good shot. He didn't.
(Thu 29th Jun 2006, 23:23, More)

» Secret Santa

To the biggest homophobe & just complete waste of space in my department:
A copy of Brokeback Mountain and a tub of vaseline.

He wasn't impressed.
(Sun 17th Dec 2006, 1:13, More)
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