:)

(Mon 22nd Nov 2004, 2:17, More)

This competition is bringing out the worst in me

(Sun 14th Nov 2004, 5:35, More)

The fact that I think I'm in there....

(Sat 30th Oct 2004, 18:03, More)

Clicky for more from sporty meerkats!
(Sun 12th Sep 2004, 15:55, More)

edited to be happier!

edit: blimey, unexpected, but thanks anyhew.
(Tue 22nd Jun 2004, 21:16, More)

If I see one more iPod post, I load the gun. Capiche?

cor, fp! thanks for echoing my sentiments!
(Tue 11th May 2004, 1:34, More)

The origins of pole vaulting.

evening all :)
(Wed 14th Apr 2004, 23:28, More)

The Well Badger has a rather strange mating call

and although rarely successful, he's nothing if not persistent

/david attenborough.
#1 #2
(Tue 13th Apr 2004, 14:38, More)

sorry if i've posted it before

but i was wasted when i made it, and don't remember posting it
Cor, FP! the drought is over \o/
(Wed 21st Jan 2004, 21:58, More)

(Mon 17th Nov 2003, 2:19, More)

doo doo, doo doo de doo doo...

(Fri 14th Nov 2003, 2:34, More)

sorry

after all that work, i hope someone remembers the adverts!
(Wed 12th Nov 2003, 21:29, More)

Happy halloween

thats all my halloween pea-roasts out the way, i shall go and hang my head in shame now!
(Fri 31st Oct 2003, 0:06, More)

You're being very careless Roy!

(Mon 27th Oct 2003, 18:56, More)

typical style mag reader.
dives straight into flicking through..

looking for jailbait lingerie models to wank over.
(Tue 21st Oct 2003, 0:44, More)

(Wed 15th Oct 2003, 0:25, More)

I've a rather nasty bug at the moment!

Edit: First FP, Thanks powers that be!
(Mon 6th Oct 2003, 7:38, More)

» The Emergency Services

My dad was a healthcare professional for over thirty years.
He had saved numerous lives, and would always answer the call of duty no matter what time of day it was. He was absolutely devoted to his craft until one small mistake cost him his livelihood and everything he stood and worked himself ragged for.

I'll tell the story from his point of view. A young blonde came into his surgery. Apparently she was struggling to conceive. A few questions about lifestyle and diet were asked in an effort to establish whether there were any obvious issues. Whilst answers were given, the patient was playfully toying with a pen from his desk and gently nibbling the tip. He felt a little aroused by the way she was doing this, and as he was unable to establish any obvious issues from the line of questionning, eventually he had no other option other than to perform an internal examination to see what issues he could find.

While she was being examined, she started to purr contentedly, my dad, rather foolishly, saw this as a sign and proceeded to fuck her until he blew his load all over her back.

Inevitably, this all came to a head and he was struck off for this inappropriate behaviour and has never practised again.

I agree with what pretty much all of you are thinking. He only has himself to blame, but he still holds a grudge against the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons to this day.
(Tue 21st May 2013, 13:19, More)

» Unreasonable Cruelty

I may have mentioned before that I do occassional security work.
This is generally quite tedious, until summer arrives, at which point in time it becomes a series of weekends away at music festivals up and down the UK. At one of the larger UK festival a call comes over the radio from a fairly bemused response team.

The victim had a lobe extension, what this effectively is, is a ear piercing that has been stretched and a hoop inserted to give a clear opening. Sometimes these are a few millimetres at most, sometimes they're wide enough to fit a can of redbull through.

Someone completely unknown to the victim approached him and after a brief conversation, then said the following "You know what would make a cool picture? If I was to padlock you to that fencing through your ear!"

The victim agreed that it indeed would make a cool picture. The protagonist produced a padlock from his pocket, they approached the nearest fencing and he was duly locked to it through a lovingly stretched hole in his flesh.

The protagonist unfortunately didn't stick around to take a picture. He didn't even release the poor sod. Instead, he just fucked off and left him.
(Fri 19th Jul 2013, 14:43, More)

» Customers from Hell

Apologies for outing your daughter...
I worked temporarily as a customer service representative (Phone-monkey) at a certain TV, Cable TV and Internet service provider that was eventually taken over by a company famous for pulling out of b3ta competitions.

The best call I ever got was from a muslim gentleman regarding his cable TV subscription.

He was enquiring why his bill had all of a sudden jumped from £280.00 per month to £420 per month.

Fucking insane, I know but I looked into the reason behind his bills and noted the following: -

Someone had been ordering at least three pay-per-view porn films per night. Most of these were of lesbian interest and as the bill payer and account holder he was well within his right to obtain this information.

The best part was sitting there reading through the list of titles that had been ordered. At every point in telephone calls I remain calm and composed, if someone starts screaming and shouting, I remain calm, no-one could have prepared me for what was about to happen. The guy fucking flipped, he was screaming blue murder in his native language and would not stop, he had paid them almost four grand and almost all of this was for pornography. He was incensed.

I politely explained that if he so desires, we could disable pay-per-view to prevent this in future and this is where he dropped the ultimate bombshell.

He just paid the bill. The actual television was installed in his daughters flat in leicester which she shared with a female housemate.. oooh thought I... not good!

He hung the phone up and I thought that was it.

A few days later I was dealing with written correspondence and lo and motherfucking behold what did I see...

A letter from a rather incensed woman about disclosing what she was watching to her father and revealing her alternative lifestyle.

I went to the account and decided to respond personally, saying in the third person that I had done exactly was required of me, explained that as I was discussing the account with the named party I was more than at liberty to disclose the titles of ordered films.

Good times!
(Fri 5th Sep 2008, 1:37, More)

» Getting Old

I was working at Download this year as part of the security team.
I struck up a conversation with a gent who had just come away from the second stage looking rather unsteady on his feet. He told me that he was having a break from the crowd because he got caught by someones elbow in a moshpit and it winded him, but he told me he'd be going back in when he got his wind back 'to get the little fucker'.

He was 83 years old.

I no longer feel that I'm too old for anything.
(Mon 11th Jun 2012, 13:17, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

I recently met Grace Jones at a music festival in London.
I asked her what her favourite part of the UK was, to which she replied "Dover!"

And that was most definitely a diva stating port town.
(Mon 28th Nov 2011, 13:44, More)