» World's Sickest Joke

Sorry.
There was a black out in the street yesterday. Luckily the police arrested him before he did anything.

A Scottish man, a French man and a Japanese man are sent to a remote island by scientists to see how they survive.
The French man says "I will prepare dinner!". The Scottish man says "I'll chop firewood!". The Japanese man sits there looking confused so the men ask him to go into the forest and get supplies.
A year passes and the scientists come to the island to pick the men up. The Scottish man and the French man are there but the Japanese man is nowhere to be seen. The men say that the Japanese man disappeared in the forest and the scientists send out a search party.
The search party wonder into the forest. Suddenly the Japanese man leaps out of the bushes stark naked with a huge grin on his face and yells "SUPPLIES!".
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 17:27, More)

» Doctors, Nurses, Dentists and Hospitals

Why do these people become nurses?
Back when I was an emotionally fragile little teenager I had to go for a blood test. I was visibly terrified and clung to my mother like a velcro koala. So scared was I that I had to put numbing cream on the inside of my elbow to dull the eventual pain a bit (this is relevant).

As my number was called and I sat down in the tiny little cubicle, I looked up into the ruddy face of the nurse with tears in my eyes, hoping for at least some mild reassurance. The nurse looked back with a glare so potent it would have frightened off a thunderstorm.
I shrank into the chair, wondering what I had done to inspire such hatred. She then saw that I had numbed my arm and acted as though I had personally insulted her.

After what seemed like an hour she unceremoniously grabbed my arm and prepared to stab one of my veins. As she was doing so she uttered the immortal words:

"Have you had a bad experience [with blood tests]?"

No, not up until then, you bloated, pug-faced harridan. I could have sworn she took an extra vial of blood just to spite me.
(Fri 12th Mar 2010, 16:57, More)

» Work Experience

Not so much "ha ha" funny. . .
I was forced to work at a cattery/boarding kennels in the long lost days of Year 10, which is good because I love animals. But when the place is run by the foulest, stupidest people on the planet then a love for animals can't override the complete and utter despair you feel.
Handy dandy bullet point summary, because I am lazy:

- Was yelled at for not answering the phones even though I'd had no instructions on what to do if someone was making a booking
- A distressed cat had a tea towel flicked in his face repeatedly by the shit-for-brains blonde girl who was also working there. Making cats upset is funny apparantly.
- Frightened dogs were dragged around by their collars and told to either "f***ing shut up you f**kfaced dogs or I'll deck you" if they barked
- The kennels and cattery were freezing cold and the cats basically had a tea towel or a scrap of carpet to sleep on unless the owner brought something in
- A cat who was desperate to escape would climb the screen door on the outside run and eventually fall onto the concrete below, all while people laughed at her
- The foul owner let her equally foul family come in and paw at the animals with their grubby mitts, which included dragging the shy cats out of their cages and manhandling them
- I was called incompetant for not doing jobs that no one had told me to do. I said I wasn't a bad worker and was basically told that I actually was and was lazy.
- I was yelled at for taking three seconds too long to respond when called, despite the fact I had my head inside a cat cage and didn't hear the first time
- I was taken aside and told I was fired about 3-4 days into it
- Afterwards the owner admitted that she didn't like work experience students

The kicker? She'd made the contract with the school and could have terminated it a while ago, but they still accept students to work there.

You don't know long I've wanted to vent my spleen on this. And now I have. Yay!
(Fri 11th May 2007, 17:35, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Snobby relatives.
I have some of the snobbiest aunts and uncles you could ever hope to meet. Their children are brats, their houses are huge and their cars are fast.
Usually they just slipped a fiver inside a cheap Christmas card but one year they wanted a change of pace.
They gave me a cardboard cracker with chocolate coins inside. The coins smelled like bleach so I had to toss them. I think I scratched myself with the cardboard cracker too.
They didn't get a thank you note that year.
(Fri 24th Sep 2004, 12:23, More)