» World's Sickest Joke

What's the difference between...
Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 23:49, More)

» Look! It's me in the Local Paper

Pollution
My brother and I were in the Times or something when we were about 5 and 7. We were doing that thing where you brush your hand against all the railings on our way to school, and apparently it looked like we were wafting away noxious fumes from passing lorries.

It's tough at the top.
(Thu 10th Feb 2005, 17:58, More)

» Local Nutters

A few I've seen
I hang out with tramps quite a lot, being 16, so I've met a few interesting individuals, but the wierdest are:

1) I was walking around Covent Garden on the day Greece won Euro 2004 with some friends. We were all Ouzo'd up, and were seeing a little band we know later that day. It's a really nice place, cobbled roads, no cars, old buildings, except for this tramp, sitting on the curb. His thing was shouting the Match of the Day theme tune down a traffic cone. We thought it was funny so we went over to talk to him, but he smelt of piss, so we never found out his name.

2) Probably been mentioned before, being a notorious wanker. This bloke that walks around Oxford Circus mainly, preaching about Our Lord through a megaphone. Occasionally we stop to argue with him, but he's a repetative arse hole so we usually just dance around him singing a song about being a twat. He is a true religious nutter though.

3) T'was the last day of the Reading festival this year, and we were lashed. Greenday had been perfect, and we were wandering around finishing off the left over rum and vodka. Some friends of ours had a house boat (they're from Oxford) by the river, so we were reclining on the bank there, and end up sitting with some people around a fire, drinking and chatting. I pass the vodka to some guy who's sitting next to me and he finishes most of it, when I notice he is wearing a dodgy hat, the mark of the tramp. It turns out nobody knows him or asked him to come, but he'd just invited himself over, and put his dirty tramp saliva on my bottle.

We were fairly nice to him, though I made him drink vodka out of the bottle cap so I didn't catch rabies. We talked to him and found out his name was Carl. He had a really cool tramp voice, and spent most of the time being incoherent or laughing (his laugh was fantastic, like a fox going "heh heh heh heh").

He kept telling us stories about how he had been on the streets since he was 19, and was now 52, and how his dad had been a raging alcoholic, and then laughing as if it was the best joke in the world afterwards.

Good memories from that guy were my friend Ben, the drunkest of all I think, had fallen asleep on the grass (after the rather good line of "One more unit and I'm going to pass out"), and eventually woke up with this tramp right over him, doing this evil cackle then saying "Boo". He must have thought he had gone to hell for a few seconds. Ben then went on to promise to buy Carl a Harley Davidson when he became rich and famous, because out of all the things in the world, that was his dream.

4) Oh fuck me purple I nearly forgot! The black guy with no legs who sits outside John Lewis in Regent Street. He plays the flute to make money, but he hasn't completely got to grips with it, and sits there, legless, determinedly playing a single out of tune note again and again. Spoke to him once and he gave me some money and told me "You buy tea!". Wasn't paying attention, thought he was offering me money for some reason, said something like "Nah it's ok mate, I don't want any" and he started shouting at me in cripple, so I buggered off.
(Fri 17th Sep 2004, 1:24, More)