b3ta.com user Benny Tied To A Tree
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» World's Sickest Joke

OK here we go
Bloke's walking along a cliff when he sees a 3 year old girl crying next to the edge. He approcahes her and says
Man: "what's up? Why are you crying?".
Girl: "My dad was playing fetch *sniff* with my dog when he threw the stick too close to the edge *sniff* and rex went over!"
M: "Oh God that's terrible! But where's your dad?"
G: "*sniff* he went to see what happened to rex but the cliff crumbled and he went over the edge *Sniff*"
M "Oh my god that's terrible, but what about your mum? Where's she"
G: "She ran over to stop my dad falling but he grabbed hold of her and she went over with him....and they're all dead and I don't know what to dooooooo..."

WIth that the man stood up, undid his fly and said:

"It's just not your day today is it..."
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 22:57, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Tenerife 1997, 21st Birthday.
I wouldn't so much call this a bad vomit - to this day I am very very proud of it.

Been out on the piss all night with the tour company and in the last club I was hauled up on stage as it was my birthday. I was presented with a pint of this...this...well fuck knows what it was but it was orange at the bottom and red at the top. After downing this and dancing a bit longer we left and went to the burger van for a burger. Feeling a bit queasy I thought a tuna roll would be a good option, obviously not. Within seconds of the first bite hitting my stomach it decided it wanted to re-appear so I made a bee line for the nearby bushes, however, my mate grabbed hold of me "Where the fuck are you going?!" he asked...too late. I managed to projectile vomit over the burger van, the tables and chairs, Tara the quite delightful rep and my mate. The bushes remained unsoiled.

Felt much better after that so went for a McDonalds (not wanting to ask the rather unhappy Burger Van owner for anything) and managed to vom everywhere in McDonalds too.

This still remains a talking point to this day.
(Sat 21st Aug 2004, 11:48, More)

» Claims to Fame

Playboy Model
I went on expedition to Malaysia to do some charity work building a school in the jungle (about 6 weeks before the tsumani hit). We had an apparently famous (I'd never heard of her) playboy model and page 3 girl (she's always in the Daily Sport with her tits out)who'd signed up as well. She did fuck all while we were there except wind people up complaining about fucking everything whilst doing nothing. I've never met a more pointless, inane, whiney, whingey, abusive, lazy person in my entire life...

On the plus side though I did get to feel her tits and see her mimsy. So it wasn't all bad.

ps. Who the fuck takes high heels into the jungle?! I ask ya...
(Fri 25th Feb 2005, 13:30, More)

» People with Stupid Names

Two of them
When I was working for a training company we had two trainees with frankly awful names.

1) Grendon Wigmore - quite what his parents were thinking I do not know but this poor chap must've suffered some abuse.

2) Sukhdeep Kang. Anyone with the name Sukhdeep is in for a rough ride.

Poor fuckers
(Thu 26th Aug 2004, 11:06, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Not embarrassing but it still makes me laugh
Getting home about 2am after a large session I staggered upstairs and into my bedroom. The simple action of trouser removal became far more of a task than it should ever have to be. So I balance on one leg as normal and try and take them off one leg at a time...in hindsight I should've just sat on the bed...in hindsight I should've just got into bed fully clothed. So the balance had gone and I managed to fall over - fine, bit of a bang normally followed by getting up and into bed. However, on this occasion there was a keyboard stand - with those lovely serated bits that you use to adjust the height and lock the legs together...my arm found it's way down that with rather a large impact and at speed and then my jaw found its way onto the corner of my guitar amp.

I lay there, blood pissing out of my arm from a wound the size of Nosemonkeys arse after a bumming session, jaw rapidly swelling into a balloon and I was rolling around in fits of laughter.

Wasn't so funny when I woke up mind but I still look back on that night and chuckle.
(Fri 3rd Sep 2004, 18:54, More)
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