» My Worst Vomit

rave honk
I was spewed on.

The scene: Early 90's, Plymouth, Wasp Factory at the Warehouse Union St. Upstairs bar (very very hot)

Now anyone who frequents dance clubs will tell you they can get mighty hot, but not being a tattooed ex hooligan I was never one for the bare torso rave antics, except for this time.

Sat on the floor of the top tier of the Warehouse looking after my mate Mark (coming up on a very strong dove/cally/red-n-black) I sit and comfort him through his eye-rolling onset. Mark (mid gurn) looks at me in a moment of lucid realisation and projectile vomits all over me. I mean he really let go full Mr Creosote repeated hurgghgh hurghgghh hose after hose of enriched vomit. I was fucking drenched.

I swear if possible, the upstairs of the Warehouse went quiet, deathly fucking hush as people waited for a fight to errupt. Not a bit of it Mark reaches down brushes some carrot from my shoulder Says 'Sorry man, I love you' and gives me a hug. After that I think we watched 'Dream Frequency' perform (after a quick spruce up in the toilets)

Ah those were the days........
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 10:24, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

In the line up for a wedding couple of weeks ago
Wedding video chap is walking up and down the queue and asking if anyone has any messages/jokes for the bride and groom. Lisa (notorious bint and very drunk) shouts "yeah I gotta joke for you, how do you stop a dog fucking your leg ? pick it up and suck its cock"

Not sure what was worse the joke or the fact that me and the wife laughed very loudly (everyone else was deathly silent and looking worried)
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 15:51, More)

» Shit Stories

Glasto Poocident
Not me but one of the chaps I went to Glastonbury Festival with last year.

Anyway all the lads walking throught the market area one evening and a blazing saddles fart battle ensued. Parp , Parp , Parp, Parp Bugger I followed through.

Ah glasto pooh stories the stuff of fireside stories.
(Thu 6th May 2004, 9:27, More)

» Booze Related Disasters

Cerebral Palsy + E = a bit of a mess
Again booze and drugs, so what are we learning children ? booze and drugs dont mix !! (well sometimes). Again early 90's and anyone who remembers the Wasp Factory or Alpha raves from Plymouth may be able to confirm small details. There was a guy who I assume had cerebral palsy and was wheelchair bound who was always at the Warehouse (Union St Plymouth) raving away. Anyone who knows the warehouse will tell you the club has about three terraces that slope up away from the dancefloor and stairs either side of the terraces. The steps were a real bugger being of irregular depth and height making for a great many trips and falls. I had taken numerous pills none of which seemed to work of course until they all did at once as I was ascending the stairs. I manage to fall UP stairs and land ontop of this guy in his wheelchair and pass out!!!!! bad bad bad bad raver people where not happy at all (everyone thought I had attacked him) and I (when I came round) was most embarrased and apologetic but I couldnt really make myself understood.

EDIT: This is the second story involving me falling onto people. Honest I wasnt just copping a feel.
(Fri 19th Mar 2004, 14:32, More)

» Booze Related Disasters

Whiskey and swedish snus
Just remembered this one, again early 90's shortly after meeting my future wife (didnt know this at the time) was taken to a family party over the christmas period. All started out very well food drinks chat etc. Met some of her visiting relatives (not blood) from Sweden. Well the missus got quite pissed and spent a good deal of the evening telling here 18 stone 60 Malboro a day ex black watch grandfather that I could drink more whisky than he!!!! fucking loon !! I declined at first but as I got more pissed and bravado took over I decided this would be a good thing to do just didnt count on the whisky being delivered in tall glasses. I lost 3 times baddly then got into a swedish vodka drinking match with visiting relative who also introduced me to very strong snus (snuff that you stick under your lip) as the nicotine hit my head began to buzz and I began to drool black tar like gack. Left party early after producing a foot hile pile of puke in the garden and was put to bed at the wifes parents house where I puked again black snuff puke all down the valance. This was the first time her parents had let me stay, nice. Her parents were so proud of the long haired, ear ring wearing cheezy quaver she planned on marrying.
(Fri 19th Mar 2004, 11:51, More)