b3ta.com user Speculum
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» The Onosecond

Sport
A friend of mine and myself play a game, normally whilst drunk, called 'SMS roulette'. It involves swapping mobiles and sending text messages to random people in the address book.

This has resulted in a message reading 'close my anus' being sent to his 14 year old cousin and the equally disturbing 'I've got the cock for you' being sent to my ex-boss.

We seldom play this game anymore.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 11:38, More)

» Never Meet Your Heroes

Winner
I've not met Michael Winner. But if I do, I'm going to force-feed him my excrement.
(Thu 25th May 2006, 22:02, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

A Barge
Far too many to accurately remember. The usual front gardens, train stations (complete with commuters milling around - very surreal) and a golf course.

The worst, or at least the most terrifying, was a barge moored somewhere in a little Oxfordshire village called, somethingorother-On-Thames.

How I came to be here is a story in itself, but I'd insisted on passing out in a field after spending a great deal of the day drinking brandy and alco-pops. All topped off with an excessively bawdy session in one of the local pubs.

Anyway, the last I remember is waking up and thinking 'bugger this, I'm walking home'. I was later told that the people on the barge saw me stagger blindly into the river and carry on walking. They pulled me out when they realised what was going on. Christ knows what would have happened if the barge hadn't have been there. The people who pulled me out very probably saved my life.

I awoke on their barge soaking wet and freezing cold. They told me what had happened and I don't think I've ever sobered up so quickly in my life. I had, and still have, absolutely no recollection of my little wander at all.

Far from minding that I'd soaked their bed, they offered me cups of tea, a change of clothes and made sure I was OK. They even found out where I worked so they could return the travel card I'd accidentally left there. All for a drunken stranger.

So, if any of you happen to be reading this, thanks again! True stars the lot of you.
(Fri 29th Dec 2006, 13:22, More)

» School Sports Day

Skiving Sports
Always used to skive sports by going to 'clean the chapel' (Church school you see). Which, basically, involved setting light to things.

Anyhow, the inevitable happens and I get dragged into a football match by a new, and hard-arsed, PE teacher. It went something along the lines of:

- Gurnox gets ball
- Gurnox kicks ball extremely hard
- Ball hits new PE teacher in the nuts
- PE teacher grabs happy sack, falls over and throws up
- Gurnox never gets PE again :)
(Fri 31st Mar 2006, 16:00, More)

» It's not me, it's the drugs talking

Curve op onto oon foo blocker
Welab went to food giblet scranny
(Wed 21st Dec 2005, 1:05, More)
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