» When animals attack...

fragrant, runny cat poo
My last job was as a teacher in a BTEC course (siiiiighhhhhhhh....). I'd been there about a week when a girl comes into my class clutching a small duffel bag rather delicately to her chest. Somehow I instinctively knew there was an animal inside. It turns out she had been on her way to school and saw an alleycat, which she figured she would rescue and home. She had no time to take it back home, so she brought it to class Being an animal lover myself, and thinking that it was a good deed, I grudgingly allowed her to have the cat in class, as long as she kept it in the bag.

Halfway through class we take a short break, and predictably, the girl gets the cat out and all the other girls go apeshit, petting him and cooing at him. I begin teaching class again, but hear a 'meow' behind my back. I turn around and one of the students has the cat on her lap. "Class is back in session guys, it's time to put the cat back in the bag" (har har har). Somehow the girl interpreted 'put the cat away' to 'lean over and say "shh!" into his little black ear'. I warned them. So I cannot be held responsible for what happened next.

I'm facing the chalkboard when the student says, with increasing volume, "Oh, no. Oh, SHIT!" Which was exactly what the cat was doing. Runny, squirty, kitty diarrhea. On her leg. I guess alley food just disagrees with your stomach sometimes. The girl was too stunned to stand up right away, so the poo ran down the side of her thigh and pooled on her chair, so when she stood up she had poo on both the front and back of her jeans. She ran into the bathroom, followed by the hysterical laughter of her classmates... which continued for approximately five seconds before people began retching and stampeding away from the wretched smell.

So... my class ended fifty minutes early. The girl went out at lunch and bought a new outfit. The student who'd brought the cat remained in the smelly classroom, desperately trying to clean up the muddy piles of cat diarrhea at the cat went bonkers, running amuck and eagerly creating more on desktops and chairs. And the campus administrator begged me not to tell our boss what had happened before running into the hallway, dry-heaving.

Goes to show you get your money's worth with a BTEC course (boom swish). No apologies for length or to anybody who has ever been enrolled in a BTEC course.
(Tue 7th Jun 2005, 9:00, More)

» The Onosecond

Once
I was working for the New York Times and I found this messageboard with these really funny British people on it lol and I decided to write a book of all their made-up stories and I posted all these really stupid irrelevant messages grovelling them to contribute. Then I realized what I cunt I was- they wanted to read funny stories and instead they were confronted with spam-like messages from me asking them about life's little annoyances like ATM receipts and telemarketers! Garsh aren't they annoying tho?

Ono!

So I went home and rearranged my porcelain figurines to work through my humiliation at having done such a thing.
(Wed 1st Jun 2005, 5:53, More)

» Worst Record Ever

Run your fingernails down a chalkboard.... good.... now pull them all off.
Having just been let go from a job where I was forced to endure eight hours of 'contemporary adult' radio every work day for the last fifteen months, I have managed to build up a terrifyingly high tolerance to crap music. Were I to become a superhero, I know without hesitation that this would be my superpower.

My kryptonite is Katrina and the Waves, "Walking On Sunshine". It's so damn perky it makes me want to vomit. Blood. And possibly some entrails too. And without fail some clueless dj will play it at a club because it was included on the 'best of the 80s' comp cd he bought last week. It makes me think of makeover montages in movies, training montages in movies, and dating-and-falling-in-love montages in movies. It makes me think of Jennifer Aniston and Tom Hanks. Possibly having sex. Who knows. I'm too busy vomiting blood and entrails to notice. God how I hate that song.
(Tue 2nd Dec 2003, 19:38, More)

» Crappy Prizes

the Magical Kingdom
I won a trip to Disneyland when I was 17. I fucking hate the cunting place. Not to mention I'd already been there two months earlier on a school trip.

Then again, my boyfriend and I got a hotel room all to ourselves for three days. It was the first time in my young life I received enthusiastic cunnilingus. Happiest place on earth, they say.
(Thu 4th Aug 2005, 14:01, More)

» Weird Traditions

ah, rural life
A particular tradition in the area where I grew up saw me dressed as a giant omelette at the age of five. It was made of foam rubber and I remember little bits of green capsicum sticking out of the sides.

That is all. I dare not reveal more, lest The Village Elders find out I've been flapping my trap to The Outsiders.
(Thu 28th Jul 2005, 11:20, More)