b3ta.com user pleasedeletemeplease
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» Shit Stories

This is the first Qotw which i've had a story for... and not just one

The best i'm afraid is not me but my mate:

Last year at uni he was feeling pretty low, homesick and such, and so he decided to get drunk on his own, yet without much money he set off to buy the cheapest vodka he could find, now don't ask me what he eventually bought, as it is rumoured that it actually had no name on the bottle, but it looked like vodka and he proceeded to drink the entire bottle.

Well, it did the trick, and with his new found confidence (read drunkeness) he decided to go clubbing alone.

As luck would have it he met a girl he used to go to school with and they ended up going back to hers, things were hotting up in the bedroom and both were stripped to their underware as hebegan to move his head further and further down her body (if you know what i mean).

As he reached his destination he thought "jesus, i dunno if i can go through with this, she stinks down here"... he soon realised the smell wasn't her as something began to trickle down his leg.

To avoid embarrasment he ran to the bathroom, but he didnt shit, instead, a large blob of gak (his words, not mine) about the size of his head simple fell out of his ass, it was every discusting colour you can imagine and smelt like it had died... it was his stomach!!!

He made his appologies and ran home, where he continued to shit blood for the rest of the night.

(oh no, its not over yet) AT first light he phoned his dad for help, his dad is actually a manager of a large factory where my mate works in the holidays, and for some reason his dad puts his phone on speaker phone and the entire factory heard the conversation!
(Wed 5th May 2004, 22:58, More)

» Worst Record Ever

My least favourite record...
... is "this town" by the specials. Everytime i hear it it takes me back to the time that i went out with some mates to a restaurant where we knew the waitresses, all the wine was free and we had a couple of bottles each and some crappy thin crust pizzas that cost us about a tenner each, after a while i felt ill... very ill and had to run to the bathroom before i threw up all over the table, i made it to the toilet just in time and i was violently sick... now i am no stranger to being sick when i have a drink (infact i see it as a sign of a good night out) but this was a bad one. I simply could not stop throwing up and so decided i would be best off outside, i stumbled downstairs, past my friends at our table and out the door where i threw up all over the front step, the management obviously noticed and we had to leave (not before he made us pay for the wine though). My mates decided that a taxi was not safe as i was still throwing up (over some railings in the middle of a traffic island now) and so my girlfriend at the time was called to pick me up. She was at a party herself and was not impressed by my inability to hold my drink but came to pick me up anyway. I sat in the passenger seat with my head out of the window (still throwing up, i have no idea where the actual quantity of liquid was coming from) but the breeze on my face was aiding my recovery. I had regained some consciousness when i noticed that the angle of my head was causing my vomit to hit the window of the passengers behind me (people from the party that my girlfriend was at that i didn't know and one mate who wanted to see me home ok) giving them a full view of everything i was chucking up, i leant out further and snapped the knob of the car lock clean off (i later tried to superglue it back on which didn't work) and so i came back inside. The vomiting subsided for a minute and i thought some music would help, i clicked on the radio and the specials came on, and the music seemed to coinside with the dreaded "spins" (you know that feeling you get when alcohol takes a full grip on your body and the world decides to spin faster just to make you feel worse?) The vomiting continued.... only inside the car!

My hate of this song is so bad that i can't watch the scene in Snatch when it is playin in the background and i was sick the other day when it featured in an advert... beat that!
(Wed 3rd Dec 2003, 23:23, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Hidden hamster vomit
Ok, so i'm the one who always seems to end up with my head down the pan at parties, and this was no exception... we had arrived at the party late and all the other 16 year olds there were already passing out, so i went to the kitchen and grabbed the only bottle of alcohol that was left... a bottle of white lightning!

For a laugh i decided to drink it from the house hold kettle and a few hours later i was running to the bathroom, however one girl was already vomiting in the toilet, so next port of call was the bath. Now i don't remember much else which is why when somebody asked me where the hamster cage had come from that was floating in my vomit i didn't have an answer... more importantly i thought, where is the hamster! We began to search the bathroom with no results when the hamsters owner burst through the door about to kill me for drowning his hamster in puke. At that moment there was a twitch in my jacket.... it had been in my pocket all along... oh how we laughed!
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 13:04, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

I work in a petrol ststaion, and due to recent cut backs i often do the night shift on my own. I recently protested that this was a risk to my security and the boss told me to "never leave the till"...so i don't, unless i'm off to pick up another magazine, newspaper or free food (five finger discount). Since she uttered those words (3 weeks ago) i have read 4 novels and found a CCTV blind spot where i can place the T.V. from the back office. Of course i should really be watching the forecourt, and my distractions often lead to stolen fuel!
(Thu 28th Apr 2005, 1:22, More)

» Singing the wrong words

My Crazy Mother...
Sting - message in a bottle

"its been 7 weeks since i wrote my note" became "its been 7 weeks since i broke my nose"

Destinys Child - Say my name

"say my name say my name" became
"lemonade, lemonade" - i suppose its not that strange, they did sing about jelly!

oh, and when i sang Birmingham (where we live) instead of vertigo on that U2 track in the newsletter last week for a joke, my mom looked all smug, turned to my dad and said "see, i told you it was Birmingham"
(Thu 3rd Feb 2005, 0:29, More)
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