b3ta.com user stav999999
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» Losing Your Virginity

With a drunken lady at 18
We went back to her place, and she was more experienced than me, having had some sex! Me, being the sex god that I was, took off me trousers and me keks (leaving my socks and my trainers on) and lay back to let her hop on. She done that for a few seconds and I had always wanted a blowjob. So I demanded one, in a sexy suave way of course. "Gonna suck my..." She smiled, then proceed to head downstairs where I immediately spunked all over her face. She cried, I got my stuff and ran before her parents heard. Looking back, it was nothing more than funny. And distrubing. With a little embarresment.

I know someone that lost his virginity to a 38 year old, when he was SIXTEEN! Weirdo.
(Thu 3rd Mar 2005, 11:03, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

You do what?
Without doubt, the best thing I've ever overheard was when I was working for a broadcasting corporation. I was walking past the dressing rooms for guests, of which Reef were to be occupying. I wanted to get their signature on a couple of CD's I had so was walking past quite regularly.
Eventually they arrived, and I sauntered towards their door, CD's in hand, eager to amuse them with my jokes. For some reason, I started listening to what they were saying "And yeah man, I never use toilet paper at all! I just poo in the shower, it's so much easier! Well, you never have to wipe your arse again!"

I walked on, pissing myself. The CD's were never signed.

/Edit, oh an another snigger worthy point, I was once in Woolworths with my girlfriend at the time, when an old man standing next to us let of the wettest sounding fart of all time, followed by "oh no, not again". He shuffled of with me quite openly pointing and laughing at him!
(Fri 11th Jun 2004, 12:35, More)

» I'm an expert


(Sun 26th Jun 2005, 2:10, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

Some great stories here.

Two pump chump...

A recent incident (last night) not really wanking but being wanked. My gf was tossing me off in her parents spare bedroom as she didn't like giving me head, as she always thought it might "taste funny". Anyway, lying bollock naked, being careful not to make too much noise, my gf suddenly, and without warning decided to suck my boaby. I let out a "gWaARgh!" and started spewing a massive amount of testicular dairy into her mouth. Her dad then burst in to see what I was doing to his daughter, she shits herself, and sprays my cum all over me. I was nearly sick, and she just pissed herself lauging. Her Dad dissapeared very quickly, and has been making subtle jokes ever since in the presence of everyone!

Oh, AND a former collegue of mine was sharing a hotel room with a collegue from Newcastle at a conference in London. This guy was a prick, lets call him Frodo. Very letcherous, evil gobshite. The kind of person who delighted in telling us about his wanking obsession. Anyway, the story goes that he got pissed at this conference and made his way back to the hotel room to have a quick rattle of the vagina miner. Upon entering the room he became aware of the geordie shagging a rather lovely lady. Still aroused, instead of leaving he started cracking one off. He didn't think though, and got so excited he wanted a better view. Just as he gets to within 2 feet of the bed, he shot his bolt - all over the geordies back! He got the shit kicked out of him and had to ask the cleaning lady to get his stuff back. He was off work for 2 days due to the injuries. Serves him right, wanker!

Apologies for the mess
(Thu 3rd Jun 2004, 21:37, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

It's the stuff of the devil. My girlfriend used to love it, cooked me it one day for my tea. Anyway, I ate it, not wanting to annoy or upset her (bloody PMT).

Later on, she gets quite horny and decides that my extra leg needs a bit of a lick clean.

When I released my swimmers (I'm trying to be polite here) she suddenly realised the effect of asparagus on my, er, tidal fluids carrying me sea-men. She was instantly sick on my cock! Feck me it burned!

Never again. She's not touched it since. Thank feck.

That and I HATE jelly and anything jelatanous. Oh, and eels, fucking horrible. I threw them out to the birds because I had one and it was minging, and they didn't like it either. A fecking blackbird threw it up!!!

Mind you, I love peas, cheese and brussel sprouts.

OOH feck, I forgot about cauliflour cheese. Fecking tastes of cheesy feet. Minging.

(Wed 14th Jul 2004, 0:14, More)
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