» Fire!

Grandad!
My favourite story about fire is not from the old chemistry classes where one boy used to inhale gas and breath fire, quite successfully, or where we made huge paper bonfires in the middle of the classroom without getting bollocked by the ravingly incompetent teacher, my story comes from the annals of history.

My Grandad fought in the war, dontcha know, and apparently, on the troop ships they used to have, the latrines basically consisted of a load of seats in cubicles situated over a stream of water that carries your effluence out from under you and over the side of the ship. So my Grandad sees the system, and being the ingenious fella he is, goes to the kiddeminster at the top of the flow, the first one, and sets fire to a scrunched up ball of newspaper doused in petrol. This is then dropped down the lavvy, into the stream of shit, and passes along, singing the arse hairs of each soldier, and supremely pissing them off in the process.

But then again, it might be all bollocks. And that's one minute of your life you'll never get back.
(Fri 4th Nov 2005, 19:07, More)

» On the stage

"Do you want to buy some decent music?"
I've only been on stage once since my childhood acting days, which were rather nifty if I say so myself. Anyway, a few friends have a band Silver Electric and were playing at a fairly low rate school based gig. They played, rocked, and went off. Then along came some Blink182 wannabe bastards who sounded awful and had some pug-faced ginger twat as their singer who sounded like some Grange Hill reject. Now my friends had recently released an album, low-key of course, but they were selling copies at this gig. So, having had a few drinks, I said I should really go and try and sell this aural-rapists a CD. Jokingly. Of course I was egged on into finally doing it, walking on stage looking a bit wasted, going up to aforementionned ginger twat and saying "Do you wanna by some decent music? Only £5" Cue several hundred people getting the impression that I was a hammered obnoxious dickhead....which was fairly accurate. Anyway, while on stage, apparently one of my friends, who had been encouraging me to do this, shouted out "Get off the stage you fat chinese cunt!" perhaps the best heckle heard that evening. So I went on stage as a heckler, and was myself heckled, why the hell did I need to post that story?
(Sat 3rd Dec 2005, 21:57, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

I hate pantos
What's the funniest thing about Panto horses?

You have to shoot them twice.
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 21:33, More)

» Teenage Poetry

What a coincidence
How strange, I was just sitting, bored, in a chinese opera, with my parents (I'm still a teenager see) and made up a poem based on my mate Tom, who I think is a bit of a bummmer, even though he hasn't actually sucked a bloke off. Anyway, I think fate has conspired to lure me out of lurk mode.

Got a friend who's name is TJ,
People think that he might be gay,
Because he gave some guy a bj,
He claims to love the asian poontang,
But the only asian thing he likes is.....
WANG!
(Thu 11th Aug 2005, 16:08, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Warning, may contain poor humour.
So this lady has a severe allergy to nuts, she's one of those people who meant you couldn't bring peanut butter sandwiches into school. Anyway, she's in the middle of a nice long sex session with her husband when suddenly she has a reaction, starts frothing and everything. He rushes her to hospital, but she dies. The doctors are trying to work out how she got into contact with nuts, was it a delayed reaction? Had the man been eating peanuts? No. Finally, in desperation, the doctors ask the man, "did you have peanut butter anywhere on your body at the time?" and the man says "No! It can't be! The dog licked that all off!"
(Sun 15th Jan 2006, 18:17, More)