» Your Greatest Dilemmas

Hmm, here's one
I know that my sister is in fact my half-sister whereas she doesn't... My dad knows that he isn't the father, I've told my brother so he knows, but my mum and her fella don't know that I or my brother know (they've known for a while). What's more I suspect that they're not planning to tell her that she has a severe case of mistaken identity regarding her father (who's the daddy?). And I mean not tell her ever. So, do I tell her or not? Problem is she's got learning difficulties and also there is an impending court case between aforementioned parents with my dad sueing to get all the child support money back from the last couple of years (when they already knew and he didn't). So there's immense potential for family mischief all round if I spill the beans or mention it.

How's about that then boys and girls? I was trying to forget about this whole thing as well... Bah.

Edit: I hope so much that Murphys Law doesn't strike and one of them reads this...
(Wed 19th May 2004, 12:32, More)

» Shit Stories

Airborne turds.. Not me, but at a wedding reception
The gentleman in question was upstairs in the smallest room dropping his fudge. He managed to produce a floater that stubbornly resisted all attempts to send it on it's way to the nation's sewers. After half an hour or so of fruitless flushing, his desperation led to him searching for an alternate method of disposal - obviously not wanting to leave it in the bin, he opted to fling it out the window. On completing his toilette and venturing forth downstairs to join the assembled throng he was met with a deadly silence - the toilet in question was above the conservatory and the produce of his bowels was merrily sliding down the glass roof in full view of everyone in the room.

My personal highlight came at the age of about 10 in our kitchen, whereby I followed through in glorious fashion after forcing out a particulary awful fart with all my might. Knowing that I'd done some serious damage I shuffled upstairs to the toilet for some damage limitation. Not knowing what to do with my dirty kegs I lobbed them out the window (recurring theme here), where they became lodged in the house creeper above our back door. My dad had to get them down with a ladder and a bamboo cane. I thought I'd got away with it for a while as well :(

Apols for length of post!
(Thu 6th May 2004, 13:41, More)

» Accidental animal cruelty

Swimming pets
When we were kids we had a naff above ground swimming pool in our garden that looked like a giant metal paddling pool, and one scorching summer, my brother and I decided to take the rabbit and 3 guinea pigs for a swim. We lowered them gently into the water from the side, before climbing up the (classy I know) metal stepladder to get in ourselves. The hilarity of the 4 of them swimming dementedly in circles around the pool kept us laughing for a while until the rabbit got pissed off and decided that it was easier to float on something than it was to swim. The only other things in the pool being the smaller guinea pigs a swift rescue operation was needed as it was like a scene from titanic. He could swim faster than them as well. The rescue effort was hampered by my brother jumping straight in and nearly drowning the lot of them with a tidal wave. There were no casualties that day, thankfully.
(Fri 7th Dec 2007, 19:36, More)

» Lies Your Parents Told You

My Dad:
Say hello to "Insert bloke's name here, he eats little boys."
- - -
Me: "Why was your bedroom door locked?"

Parents: "We were having a... Discussion."

Hmm, I'd looked through the keyhole before that point and through my formative years thought that when people were discussing things they were wrestling naked.

The mental image still haunts me to this day .
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 14:16, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

When I was a wee lad
My mum took me on the obligatory trip to get a new year's school uniform, including, of course, trousers. In my haste to get the whole ordeal over with I zipped up the flies as quickly as possible and managed to draw the zipper up over my knobskin. Much pain. Cleared the shop with my blood curdling screams and had to suffer the indignity of having mother dearest and the ever so helpful middle-aged bint from behind the counter trying to help me free myself. Meh.
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 15:24, More)