» World's Sickest Joke

Stolen from Bob and Tom
A baby seal walks into a club...
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 4:44, More)

» Lost...

Wallet
An auspicious loss perhaps? (for the better I hope).

Just passed through the metal detector on the way to Fiji to get married and I'm collecting my bits and bobs. Get to the first of the duty free shops to buy a spiffy set of headphones when I realise I've misplaced my wallet.

Some cnut has followed me up out of the detector and had taken my wallet out of the obviously *NOT THEIR'S* metally stuff tray.

Wife-to-be is in tears looking at me as if I've ruined the whole wedding already (my front door key and credit card are in it!). I'm talking to the customs guys, looking at the security camera above and wondering why the rewind button is too much cnuting effort to press. Bastids!!!

We give up, get on the plane and a shadow of doom leaps gleefully up and down on my shoulders. Then an angel hops onto the plane just as the door is about to shut and hands me my wallet. She gets a big kiss and all is well with the world.

Without any cash in the wallet the wakner has left it at a cafe. Hope you get caught by interpol or someone theify type!!!

Then I lost layers of skin to the Fijian sun followed by many braincells having to watch 80's movies whilst it rained for 4 days.

Soz for length.
(Tue 7th Dec 2004, 6:31, More)

» Irrational Fears

I'll try to explain, but it's tricky...
Apologies for the long ramble.

Thankfully, a rather unpleasant spate of panic attacks has ridden me of most of my fears (whomever the lady poster here who wrote a panic book, feel free to drop me a line should you wish), so feel free to have a anxiety disorder and banish most of your fears :P

Anyhoo, my only irrational fear is of big, submerged boulders. I moved to Sydney from the UK and went chugging about in on the crystal clear waters of the Hawksbury. Pootled into an inlet and I was looking out for obstructions when I realised I couldn't see the bottom but I could see a submerged boudler the size of a large car.

Terror rose into me like a wave, real primal stuff. Thankfully I managed to control it and was looking at it sideways in a WTF kinda way.

Oddness!
(Fri 30th Jan 2004, 5:41, More)

» Airport Stories

Theiving git!
Running a bit late, due to soon-to-be-wife's miscalculations, so we rush on through security and, due to being in a tizzy, didn't watch my belongings in a basket as carefully as I should of. Said basket contained my wallet with my driving license (which had my address on it) and my front door key.

As I nip back for a second or five to help my partner, someone steps past, swipes my wallet and runs off to check their ill gotten gains. I don't realise until I come to buy some AA's for the camera...cue sheer panic as we are already cutting it close for boarding.

My wife-to-be is in tears, I'm one step away from assualting the numpties in security who won't look at the security tapes whilst I fill in a ridiculously long claim form whilst my mind races as to how I'm going to fix this up. Cancel credit cards, contact real estate agent to change the locks, join vigilante force to reduce thievery using torture and blunt spoons.

We jump on the plane, thankfully being one of two couples delaying the flight and I spend the next frantic few minutes alternately trying to calm my fiancee and telling her it wasn't my bloody fault!!!

On jumps my angel, wallet in hand saying it was turned in at one of the fast food places.

Joy gushed from every pore and I crushed the my angel to me like a rock to a limpet, kissing her repeatedly then dancing back to my chair in triumph.

Thank you to my parents for my length and girth.

Postscript: If you get deja vu reading this, it's cos I wrote about this back in Dec 04 in the "Lost" question :D
(Thu 9th Mar 2006, 9:49, More)

» Losing Your Virginity

16 years ago...when I had more sex in a week than I now do in a year (bloody marriage).
After minimal coercion, my first serious girlfriend (at barely 16 whilst I was 17), and I attempted mutual virginal coitius.

We were plenty ready for it, empty house, passion overflowing...We move into the ready position, fumble around then SCORE!

Unfortunately, not being aware of such things as hymens, female self-lubrication or self-restrain, my modestly sized organ *cough* reached maximum penetration within microseconds.

Cue two screams...mine, muted, with OMGness, her's with "This fuckwit is ripping me a new one!!!".

Suffice it to say, my enjoyment was severely curtailed once I realised what had happened. But practise (several times daily) soon revealed the vast pleasures teenage hornbags can have.

Sadly experimentation in other orifices lead to a similar result. Ooops!!!

Word to the undersized...most smaller women don't like them bigger. All my partners have expressed a need to chop an inch off :(

Apologies for length *to the short girls*
(Fri 4th Mar 2005, 1:32, More)