» The Onosecond

first year at university
way back when few people had internet at home and email was a bit of a novelty. A friend of mine at another uni thought that it would be a laugh to send me a spoof email using the name of the head of my department. The email pointed out that I had been missing lectures (true) and was behind with some coursework and drew my attention to the university rules on the subject, accurately listing them until the 7th rule, which read 'Don't believe fake emails from your mate Ridge'.

Until this point I had been reeled in, hook, line and sinker. So I quickly clicked on reply and sent him a faux-angry email, which read something along the lines of:

You absolute cunt, you evil fucking cunt. You complete bastard, you fucker of small children.

Unbenownst to me, for added authenticity my friend had altered the reply address, so rather than going to him, I actually emailed the head of Theology department and called him a fucker of small children. Needless to say, having to go and explain the mistake to him was not one of the most glorious moments in my life...
(Thu 26th May 2005, 12:39, More)

» Singing the wrong words

The love/muff theory
I've found that 90% of songs with the word 'love' in the title are improved by the substitution of 'muff' for 'love'. Thus Take That's 'How Deep is Your Muff', Darkness' 'I Believe in a Thing Called Muff'
(Thu 27th Jan 2005, 20:03, More)

» I'm an expert

As part of my PhD
I did a lot of work on early nineteenth century library lending records and probably know more about reading habits in Bristol during that period than anyone else. And I may well be doing another 3 years work on it, which will definitely make me the leading expert on people borrowing books from a library 200 years ago.

I'm also remarkably good at tripping over uneven bits of pavement and then pretending that I intended to jog for a brief second. To the point of expertise, I would say
(Thu 23rd Jun 2005, 21:15, More)

» Worst Record Ever

Housemaid Ft. Kim - 'Fish'
Hmm, not sure if this properly counts because it isn't the worst record ever. That is 'Little Children' by Billy J. Kramer and the Dakotas and I'm sure the Michael Jackson version would be up there, too. But hear me out. Fish should be in here because it is truly awful. Think mid-90s cheesy Euro-house, if measured on the Stilton Scale of 1-10 and Culture Beat's 'Mr Vain' is a 6.9, 'Fish' ranks as at least 12.9 - it is that cheesy. The main riff is stolen from some other track which is lost in the sands of time or Room 101. The vocals are the typical female singer who isn't singing in her first language but still trying her best style. This is all bad, but not grotesquely bad. But then we come to the sleeve. Picture, if you will, a cartoon fish with a penis for a nose. And then the lyrics. The main hookline: 'There are two things in the world that smell like fish. One of them fish...what's the other one?' And if the subject of the song wasn't already abundantly clear the singer helpfully inquires 'do you ever wash that thang?'

I've always hoped and assumed that the song was a joke and have taken it as such, but if serious...it has to be among the worst records of all time. And I have a copy of it...for some unknown reason.
(Thu 4th Dec 2003, 19:26, More)