» When were you last really scared?

Kids, don't you just love 'em?
Other parents will understand this:

My wife was away on business and the outpouring from my loins was running a temperature; cue a day off watching kiddies programs trying to amuse said outpouring. I took her to the quacks in the morning and was given bottle of jollop, which she was promptly fed. Come mid afternoon she is looking pale and very floppy, so I call the wife who tells me to give her an early bath. Getting her undressed I notice a rather large brownish rash on her legs and belly. I get a glass and do the test to find that the bloody thing is not blanching, so there is a high chance it could be the dreaded Meningitis.

One phone call to the doctor and I’m legging it round to the surgery with a rather floppy child. He gives her an inspection and calls the local hospital and gets an ambulance sent over very quickly.

The ambulance ride was fun, but sprog starts having some severe trouble breathing and ends up being given oxygen. We turn up at the hospital where a team of 6 medical staff is waiting with a gurney. One of the rather excited looking doctors explained to me this is the first case they have had in the hospital for six years. They rush her in, rip off her clothes and start running tests. Things start looking grim and a nurse turns to me and says they need to put her in isolation but they have one test to run prior to doing so, she grabs a swab dips it into some solution (alcohol of some sort) and she rubs it across the rash, which promptly comes off. The little bugger had only drawn on herself with felt tip in such a realistic way. Much embarrassment on my part but my heart at least stopped jumping around.

Turns out to just be a severe cold and the ambulance ride must have got her a bit excited, hence the lack of breath.
(Tue 27th Feb 2007, 11:31, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What is the smallest pub in England?
The Thalidomide Arms.
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 19:25, More)

» My Christmas Nightmare

Xmas Suicide
Last year we had both sets of parents (mine and my wifes) over for the festive period and did the whole shebang. Bear in mind my better bit is French (and naturally so are her parents).

Halfway through dinner, mother-in-law gets up and announces that she wishes to end her life and then runs crying from our dining room. Cue my wife attempting to stop her mother throwing herself from bedroom window (unfortunately, successfully). My parents didn't have a clue as it was all in French. My wife was 8 months pregnant, so we decided to send them home pronto.

This year we put two fingers up to the lot of them and we are in Sydney, Australia, celebrating with friends. Unfortunately, I have food poisoning and it looks like I might be in hospital tomorrow! There is a moral in there somewhere.

Apols for festive longditude.
(Thu 23rd Dec 2004, 15:48, More)

» Too much information

His best shorts and all...
My very first and very last lads holiday away was somewhere off the coast of Spain that could have possibly been Grand Canaria, but I can't be sure - it was that drunken a holiday.

There was a group of 8 of us, in ages from 20 to I think 44, sharing two shitty apartments. One morning after a particularly heavy night (we'd just rocked up home at about 9 in the morning) a couple of the more senior guys decide to start having a fart contest. We'd had a curry the night before as well.

Cue the oldest, and sadly far from wisest of the group, dropping his trousers to reveal a pair of Pink Panther boxers (as in his words, he didn't want his jeans coming between us and his guff) and he promptly let rip. He then went red, grabbed his arse and tried to shuffle as dignified as possible out of the room whilst repeating this mantra; "I've shit meself, in me best boxers and all, I've shit meself...". Far TMI for everyone whose eyes were then drawn to the trail he left on exiting.
(Sun 9th Sep 2007, 15:57, More)

» My Worst Date

Blast from the past
I'll keep it short, but...

Met an old scool friend in a hideously dodgy bar in Sarf-end, agree to take her out next night. I actually can't remember how as I had lost the ability to speak by then, I asume I nodded. She wasn't that great looking at school, so I asume the beer/whiskey had worked wonders that night.

Turn up next night at her place in my brand new (and swanky at the time) MGF, she comes out and says to me "If I'd known you had money, I'd have fucked you a long time ago". Cue me trying to loose the bint all evening, finally managing to do so at cinema: "I'm just popping out for some popcorn".
(Fri 22nd Oct 2004, 23:32, More)