b3ta.com user Market Man
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Stop using my baby picture.

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» Lies Your Parents Told You

A long time ago......
In the early ninties - when there was nothing on TV, and a young'un had nothing but coal to play with, I had a discussion with my dear mother.

I said - "Mother dear. Will I be happy, will I be rich"

Here's what she said to me - "Que sara sara."
Slightly confused by this anti-englified response I asked - "What the f*dge does that mean?"

"It means kill Sarah. Sarah." she replied, catatonically.

I'm currently serving the 10th of my 13 year sentence.
(Wed 14th Jan 2004, 14:03, More)

» Old People Talk Bollocks

Old People and Jokes
When old people try and tell a joke, it always goes wrong - with unpredicatable and hilarious results.

Here is a genuine joke, that was told to me by a lovely old lady in a charity shop:-

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Men in Black
Men in Black who?
Lady in Red.

Is there something I'm missing? Am I just too foolish to understand?
(Thu 11th Mar 2004, 14:56, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

I was about to go on a date, and felt I should relieve myself before hand.
After 40 seconds of polishing the brass, while looking at bra magazines, I was done.

Sadly, I could not find where my create-a-baby juice had landed. I searched high and low - but it was no where to be seen. As it turns out, it had landed on my ear - but I didn't know that at the time.

The doorbell rang, it was my date - her name, Cameron Diaz. She saw the masturbatory by-product on my ear, but assumed it was hair gel.

She then used used my spunk to gel her hair upwards - which looked silly.

The End.
(Wed 2nd Jun 2004, 13:25, More)

» Have you ever started a fire?

due to subliminal messaging, i was persuaded to start a fire in a disco. I also set fire to a Taco Bell in the early hours of monday morning.
(Wed 3rd Mar 2004, 13:38, More)

» Your Revenge Stories

In the last year of school, some twonk started spreading rumours about me.
This pissed me off a little, so I came up with a plan - a cunning, horribly un-subtle plan.

I sent a letter to him via the school register, which said he'd been suspended from school for shit grades. I used the school letter-head, and a printed copy of the headteacher's signature for authenticity. I told him that the suspension would last 2 weeks, or until futher notice.

The fool actually stayed off school for 8 days before he got a phone call from school, accusing him of truancy. He got absolutely bollocked - and I was pleased.
(Fri 14th May 2004, 15:57, More)
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