» My Wanking Disasters

oooh
how could i forget being half rumbled by my mates sister (perfectly legal) and feeling in the mood admitting to her i was masturbating.

she gave such great head

*reminisces*
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 20:59, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

I was at a house
party a few months ago.
not wanting to be laden down i left my wallet (that contained £90) and other posessions in the hosts bedroom (he's a good friend of mine).
an hour or two later i go into the room to check on my stuff only to find my money missing. ruling out any foul play on my friends part we conclude that seeing as we were 100% positive no-one had left the party the thief must still be about.

about 10 minutes later i adjourn to the bathroom and on my way out overhear the thief in one of the open bedrooms casually explaining to his mate over the phone that 'some chump left a wallet lying around, so i took the £90 that was in it'.

he didn't stand a chance of getting out of the way when i burst into the room and twatted the shit out of him.
thieving prick had to come out into the backgarden to get his belongings before he left.
he's no longer part of our circle
(Wed 9th Jun 2004, 23:56, More)

» Hidden Treasure

Jamiroquai
3 years ago i was working for a firm in the Truman Brewery at Brick Lane. This firms warehouse was directly opposite the entrance to another large, near dilapidated warehouse (if anyone knows the area well it was the warehouse where that autopsy by the german doctor, and subsequent exhibition took place).

Anyway, being outside for a crafty smoke and being inquisitive in nature I decide to move the makeshift staircase out of the way (quick and easy timber construction) and what do i find? A large red trunk, 3ft by 3ft and 2ft deep.

So I drag the trunk (for it's far too heavy to lift) into our warehouse and open it (it wasn't even locked).
Inside I found loads of Ampex 456 2-inch master reels for the record label Acid Jazz.
And which two reels did i take for myself, and still have at home? The ones containing the original masters of Jamiroquai's first musical offerings, that's what

Very proud i am too
(Fri 1st Jul 2005, 21:10, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

in a maternity ward in a hospital somewhere in the UK
a head-doctor is in the final stages of an agonising 12 hour labour.
The mother of the child breathes a huge sigh of relief as the father, tears welling in his eyes, cuts the umbilical cord of his newborn son.

The midwife then takes the child and gently hands him to the doctor. Who then throws the child across the room to his colleague.

The mother, in a primitive act of defensiveness, screams and yelps and cries as the doctor takes the baby on his chest, tees him up with his thigh and punts the baby straight back to the head doctor.
The head doctor catches the child and in the style of a discus thrower hurtles it at the nearest wall. The thud rattles in the mothers' brain and she lets out another guttural scream.

The head-doctor then walks over to the small baby in the corner of the room and picks it up. Gently wrapping it in a tiny blanket he walks over to the mother and hands her her child - a huge grin on his face...

'April Fools! It was dead anyway!'


I told this to joke to my halls of residence buddies after we'd known each other for around 3 months. We were all good mates by then and I felt entirely comfortable telling the joke. One housemate didn't seem too impressed by the joke, she looked at me like i'd just raped her mum and killed her dad. Her aunt had miscarried just two days before.
I told her to stop whining - my mother had miscarried four times and she still found the joke hilarious!
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 1:02, More)

» My Wanking Disasters

a few years ago
my parents went away on holiday so, naturally, i organised a party round my house - 6 or 7 mates smoking crappily rolled joints, drinking Fosters and playing PS2 all night.
One lad, known as Dan, makes his excuses and goes upstairs to take a shit. 15 minutes later he's still up there and we're all waiting to see if he wants to join the Pro Evo tourny we were starting.
So, Bill runs upstairs and the bathroom is empty. Then he hears a shuffling noise - coming from my brothers bedroom.
Quiet as a mouse, and well aware of what Dan was up to, Bill sneaks up to the door and in one fluid motion both kicks the door open and shouts "GOTCHA YA DIRTY CUNT!".
According to Bill the look on Dan's face was priceless.
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 18:36, More)