» Too much information

Are you going to shut up soon?
We (me and the seven lads from my course) were revising for our final exams and one of the blokes (a mature student type who was, IMO, more immature and whiny than the rest of us who were half his age) would. not. shut. up. about this painful ear infection he had.

It was oozing, it was pustulent, it was going to leave him permanently deaf, it was the most painful thing in the world and we couldn't conceive of the pain he was going through and how well he was putting up with it.

He whined for most of the morning, all through lunch and afterwards, and by the time we were trying to look through our chemical engineering notes I was pretty fucking tired of it and told him:

"I'm currently shedding the uterine lining of my womb; it's cleaving slowly away from the sides and dropping out of my cunt in great wet, hacking, fuck-off lumps. I can feel the clots as they fall out. It rather hurts. But you don't hear me going on about it, do you?"

He got up and left and the rest of us got some studying done.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 18:06, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Knock knock
Who's there?
Hitler.
Hitler who?
For denying the holocaust you are now sentenced to 7 years in an Austrian prison.
(Mon 6th Mar 2006, 14:39, More)

» Accidentally Erotic

Practically normal when I read other people's posts
I do aikido twice a week; for those of you who don't know what it's like, think along the lines of judo but with less brute strength more applying pressure and turning joints the way they aren't supposed to go.

Now, I personally find very bitter male sweat one of the sexiest things on earth, plus during a fight your heart rate shoots up, and I’ve a slight tendency for the sado-masochism thing; add into this that we're a predominantly male club and you’ll see where I’m going with this. Yes, there’s been more than once I’ve been ‘making tuna mayonnaise’ in my pants as one of the cute guys applies a wrist lock before driving my arm through my head and into the floor.
(Tue 7th Feb 2006, 17:26, More)

» I witnessed a crime

Livingstone is a bit rough like
While I was a student in Edinburgh, one or two of m'mates lived out Livingstone way- it's a bunch of roundabouts huddling together for warmth around a housing estate; invariably they all'd been mugged at some point by one of the neds.

Craig wasn't any exception to this rule, and one night he got off the bus and some Burberryscum jumped out at him, waving a knife.

"Gees y'wallet, y'fuckin' whydoh," he says.

Craig gives him his wallet which only has his bus ticket in it. Chav can feel there's dick all in the thing and throws it on the ground.

Trying to look menacing in his kappas and day-glo trainers, he demands, "An' yer fuckin' phone."

Craig hands it over: in fairness, it's a brick and makes semaphore look high tech. The dolescum looks at it and back at Craig, who shrugs.

"You fuckin' useless cunt," the Chav says, and lomps off.

The best bit: Craig knew him- he worked in the newsagents.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 18:38, More)

» Picky Eaters

One bloke I went to uni with
Lovely chap on my course at uni- good crack, liked a beer, but as he was from Yorkshire; "Wouldn't eat anything ending in the letter A," as "It's all foreign muck."
(Fri 2nd Mar 2007, 1:09, More)