b3ta.com user clothtoucher
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» The Onosecond

A mate told me...
he loved me, despite wanting to send it to send it to his girlfriend who happened to have a mobile number with only one digit different. As he clearly didn't notice the fact that he'd got the wrong number it was amusing to keep the conversation going...

HIM: i love you baby
ME: well take me up the arse the moment you see me next
HIM: :o well i can't really refuse an offer like that!
ME: that's right big boy :)
(Fri 27th May 2005, 9:33, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

What's the best thing about shagging twenty six year olds?
There's twenty of them.
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 17:37, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Yarr. Be choppy on the Bay of Biscay
Was on the way home from a holiday in 1992 on a ferry that took 24hrs to get from Santander (Spain) to Plymouth. I don't like ferries. It was my 12th birthday. Bastards.
Anyway... I started off fairly badly being sick in our cabin on a regular basis and eventually decided fuck it, i can't be arsed to stay in a pokey cabin all day and went out and about. I was sick over the side (which was fairly amusing to watch it splatter across the side of the boat), sick down corridors, sick watching 'Memoirs of an Invisible Man' with Chevy Chase in the cinema, though that could have been cos the film. At this point it had now reached pure bile, which doesn't taste or look good. Finally I was sick on an engineer who took sympathy on me trying to get into a locked toilet. I eventually returned to my cabin to go for a rest, when i hear 'Bing Bong. Can Philip Kingston (that's me) please make his way to the canteen'. My mom had asked the kitchen to make a cake for me for my birthday. I stumbled my way there, looked all happy and stuff to receive this cake, and then casually put the candles out by chucking over the lovely chocolate gift.

I try not to travel by boat much these days.

We didn't eat the cake.
(Mon 23rd Aug 2004, 17:15, More)

» Pet Names

slightly un-PC but...
when my dad was a kid he used to have a cat called nigger. Btw, we are talking 50 years ago here. Apparently he used to spike his milk with brandy then go watch him try chase birds by running straight off the shed roof. Twat.

edit: he was also a great fan of the ol' classic spoonerism 'cooking fat'... oh and twat refers to the cat and not my dad
(Wed 25th Feb 2004, 14:00, More)

» Pet Names

nice one sis...
We have a tropical fish tank with loads of little tropical efforts (guppys, neons etc) and one huge plec. One day my sister spies some (what she considers) 'cute' albino frogs in a pet store... buys two and pops 'em into the tank. For a start they are NOT fucking cute. They are FUCKING ugly. You can see through the fuckers. She decides to call the larger of the two 'Brian' and then apparently rapidly running out of inspiration she calls the other one 'Frog'. Brian and Frog have a great first few weeks by proceeding to happily munch their way through the plethora of fishies in the tank, then one dies, leaving us now with one fucking ugly frog and one huge plec.

To rub it in, she then leaves home. I assume the two incidents are unrelated..

Just remembered... Whilst on the subject of our fish tank, my mom calls the plec 'Big Boy'. I have tried to discourage this sort of behaviour, but no joy. Nobody else in the family sees the issues with this name... *shudders*

Mom: Phil, will you feed big boy please...
Me: *shudders*
(Wed 25th Feb 2004, 14:47, More)
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