» My Wanking Disasters

My mates sister (honest!!) was doing the pathology bit of her medical degree
They had to examine one corpse to determine cause of death. The only clue they had was a large circular exit wound on the top of his shoulder. After much deliberation, the class decided that it was some sort of gunshot wound.

It actually turned out that the gentleman in question had been pleasuring himself, whilst stood on the edge of the bath. No bad thing, but he choose to have the handle of a broom up his bottom at the same time. And was using the shower curtain rail as something to grab hold of for support.

Unfortunately it would appear that shower curtain rails aren't the best 'wanking supports' as it snapped, impaling him upon the broom like a man kebab. And hence the shoulder exit wound.

I hope that's a warning to anyone considering having a wank with a broom up their arse whilst swinging from a shower curtain!!!

Still, you've gotta laugh, eh!
(Tue 1st Jun 2004, 17:44, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Ah.... Happy days indeed.
Some of you may remember the 'Gatzby' nightclub outside of Reading Train station (it's now one of those horrible 'Oz Bars'). Anyway, this was back in my student days, when a couple of pints of strong lager and a few vodkas would be enough for me.

It was my 18th birthday on the evening in question, so the booze was flowing more freely than blood at a Barrymore Pool Party.

It got to about midnight, and realising I needed to chunder, I drunkenly staggered off to the Kazis. En route, I bumped into and fell over a young ladys chair. I knocked her clean out and promptly threw up over her jacket on the back of the chair.

Quickly realising I need to boff again, and with only the crazed determination that posesses the truly drunk, I bravely staggered on to the toilets. Once in there, there was an elderly chap throwing up in to the urinals. Not to be outdone, I joined the one next to him. We decided (unspokenly) that he had won when his false teeth fell out.

It felt like hours had passed, but was probably only minutes before I was escorted outside by bouncers. As we all know, projectile vomiting is hungry work, so I purchased a rancid hotdog from the health risk parked outside the club.

Within seconds the bacteria I'd just ingested needed to make good their escape. Without wishing to publicly embabrass myself, I leant over the nearest wall. The wall was more of a bridge over an entrance to carpark, and parked 30ft below was a nice new shiny Rover 800 (the height of style in those days!).

I had no qualms in letting go of another bucket of sick over the wall, and I'm pleased to report that it was bullseye on the Rover's windscreen / bonnet.

If that was your Rover, then I can only apologise, but in fairness I'm sure a bucket of my stomach soup is now probably worth far more.
(Thu 19th Aug 2004, 21:26, More)

» Foot in Mouth Syndrome

Whilst at a College Lecture,
We were sadly informed that after an emergency bowel removal operation, our Electronics lecturer had sadly passed away. Upset, I leant across to my neighbour and whispered 'Gutted!!!'. Unfortunately, because of my emotional state, it came out as more of a shout. I was, in fairness, sent to Coventry for a month by Students & Lecturers. It's nearly as bad as Hull.
(Wed 21st Apr 2004, 22:59, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

A small girl and a Paedophile are walking through the woods at night.
The little girl starts crying and says 'I don't like it here, these woods are scary at night.'

The Paedophile says, 'Well, it's alright for you. I've got to walk home on my own!'
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 19:01, More)

» Best Comebacks

My favourite come back to absolutely any insult
is

'Yeah I know, so am I'....

i.e.........
them: 'You're such a fat twunt'
me: 'Yeah I know, so am I'

The trick is to be noncholant about it, as if you've misheard them. It drives people mad, almost to the point of violence.
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 22:52, More)