» The Police

Nice policeman, stupid mate
So Glastonbury festival 2004, Sunday sitting chilling in the glade tent, all a bit come-downy, cept our mate who still had half the drugs of the entire festival floating round his system, pills, speed, K, mushroom, you get the picture he was a little worse for way.

Any-way, two coppers come into the tent, start going round talking to everyone, we get a bit nervous, but they seem nice festivally-type bobbies so not to worried. They approach:

Police: Hi, not to worry, nobody is in trouble, we're just going round warning people that two girls have collapsed in the glade, we can't wake them so we don't know what they've taken, so we're just warning people to be careful if buying pills as there might be a dodgy batch going round.

F**ked mate (with fear of god in his eyes): I didn't kill anyone officer!!

Police (highly amused): No we're not saying… look we're just saying to be careful if you buy drugs, stay in pairs.

FM: We don't have any drugs!!! we took them all.

Me, with head in hands: We'll be careful officer.

Policeman: (patting FM on back in an affectionate way, while his partner is doubled up laughing) Look after your mate eh.

we will. Who says all coppers are tw@ts, sketchy mates on the other hand…
(Fri 23rd Sep 2005, 9:56, More)

» Toilets

pissing off wildlife
While backpacking in Oz a few years back, one of the coach drivers on our travels had advised us of some toiletry rituals we should observe while using public 'dunnies' in the more rurals areas. This involved approaching toilet, kicking up the toilet seat with foot and checking for deadly arachnids before sitting down. Being a bit of a girly aracnaphobic, I had been doing this religiously.

However one night, while in a particually 'earthy' pub in the outbacks of Queensland and after several scooners of weak Oz lager, I had to go out to the dunny (which was in a shed) with my mate maria. I went in first, drunkenly, forgot anti-spider precausion an sat down for one of those magic pisses that seem to go on for about ten minutes. Finished, and only then realised I'd forgotten to check for creepies. Being a kind friend, I thought I'd check anyway for maria and kicked up the seat, to find, at the bottom of the bowl, a severely pissed-off looking, and very soggy cane toad (they're massive) with a piece of wet toilet paper perched on its head.

Horror soon turned to absolute hilarity at the unfortunate amphibian, and all the girls from the bar ended up cuing to have a look and the poor wet beast.

(appologies for length, of wee, to the toad)
(Sun 4th Sep 2005, 14:44, More)

» Weddings

Last weekend…
so very relevant, was maid of honour for friend. At reception I noticed brides mother had a label still firmly attached to the back of the collar of her outfit. being from a posh boutique it was one of those ropy string labels, not plastic whih you could rip. I offered to help, I didn't have any scissors so got me zippo out. she had quite a lot of hairspray on…


she had a feathery hat on so you could hardly tell.
(Tue 19th Jul 2005, 23:54, More)

» Take my Mother-in-law...

Not a story, just an observation
I think being a mother-in-law is actually a genetic condition, and you can't help it.
My mum is ace, she has a heart of gold and I really couldn't have picked a better one, she's readily available for tea and sympathy, takes me shopping when I'm poor, and cooks the best fish pie under the sun. As a nanna, she's the best, she plays computer games with all my nephews and built my neices a fairy garden to play in, and can whip up a cake/fancy dress costume in a matter of minutes.

But as a mother-in-law she is a cruel heartless bitch, she gives my sister-in-law a dogs life, and reminds her daily while she'll never be good enough for her little boy, or worthy to raise her grandchildren. Poor sis in law is a nurvous wreck, and I don't blame her. She's even told her grandchildren that they can come and live with grandma if they don't want to live with their witch of a mother. ouch!
(Tue 13th Sep 2005, 10:33, More)

» Black Sheep

Total mystery
We have a black sheep in our family, but that's all I know, I think he was assigned to us or something.
I have thirty-six cousins, and through one stage or another I have met them all. Except one, his name is Robert. I have aked many relatives over the years about him, why haven't I met him, why no one talks about him etc. All I ever get is a dark, knowing look and then get told 'oh he's the black sheep of the family'.
If anyone knows my cousin Robert, please enlighten me... What did he do!!!!!
(Sat 15th Jan 2005, 0:41, More)