» World's Sickest Joke

Q: What's worse than a dead cat on your piano?
A: A diseased pussy on your organ.

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(Fri 30th Dec 2005, 15:46, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Weird champs
I went to a fairly big school (around 200 per year level), where the classes were labelled in academic order 7A1, 7A2, 7B1 etc for each year. The odd class out was 8R for "special needs" kids, who seemed to stay in that class for a few years and then vanish, probably to some other special school.

One of the kids in that class was ok and developed a "friendship" with us where we'd let him hang around from time to time, and wouldn't pick on him much (except in a friendly way). He told us he had water on the brain, and we could tell he was a bit slow.

Anyway, one day at the school assembly he won an award for something. This is with over 1000 kids watching. He jumps up, runs to to the end of his row and runs down to the dais (about 1 foot high, and about 3 x 3 metres) with his arms in the air (classic champ pose). The clapping started half heartedly, but built and built when everyone saw how excited he was. It was reaching the crescendo when he ploughed into the dais with his legs and crashed to the ground. Much mirth was had.

We still gave him backslaps afterwards - he was pleased as punch anyway.

Oh, and another person in that class was also in scouts with me. He was mentally disabled (nothing wrong physically) and only learnt to swim at a scout camp in his late teens. Move on a few years, and he got 6 gold medals for Australia in the disabled Olympics in Sydney in 2000. A real champ! I reckon he turned into a training machine and nothing was going to stop him. And the chicks probably digged his toned body too. Some guys are just born lucky.
(Tue 23rd Jan 2007, 14:28, More)

» Inappropriate crushes

Damn that conscience
Inappropriate crushes are really only a point of view. While I've spent lots of time as a pimply shy socially awkward individual, I finally came out of my shell after uni and have dared a few crushes beyond the stage of merely private fantasies, which I think were on the way towards being inappropriate before stopping. Damn my interfering conscience – life could have been so good.

Once concerned my best female friend (apart from my girlfriend of the time) who had a hot body as well as being lots of fun. I tried pushing the boundaries although I'm not sure I would have crossed any of them, but she made it clear nothing was happening on that front...

Then while I was working one day and waiting on someone, staring out a window, and I saw a girl in the building opposite staring out as well. A tentative wave started a sign language conversation, which developed to her lying on a desk kicking her legs in the air, then finally writing her phone number one digit per sheet of A4 paper and putting them to the window. Despite having the same girlfriend, I gave her a call, chat, and find out she claimed to be a dancer (nice legs so I believed it) down from Queensland to Sydney on holiday visiting a friend, but in the end I wimped out from a face to face meeting. Damn that conscience.

Around the same time - a girl in high school that I'd see on the train station. I am around 6'4", and my very few girlfriends (2 by then) were much smaller than me, and this girl would have been a couple of inches taller than me. I couldn't help but wonder what everything would be like with her (and I mean everything). However, I never did go up to her and speak with her. Then I saw her a couple of years later in a store while I was passing through with same girlfriend - I was absolutely torn with the temptation to duck off and approach her, but wimped out again.

Then there was a nice girl (that was too much like me) which I met while I was single - it seemed like we were too similar, and didn't have anything to talk about as we thought the same too much. Except about how far we wanted to go in the relationship. At least I got to use the line "I've already got enough friends".

Fast forward a few years, and in my current work in a very professional finance area, there is a girl who looks like my wife and who I think is gorgeous. Plus smart, nice personality etc. I get on well with her, but keep everything on a professional level (she is single but knows I'm married), although I do like finding occasions to work with her. Just 2 days ago I was in a meeting with her (the 2 of us plus one other) when she said in a very businesslike way "I'd like to suck... your... knowledge out of you". I froze. The 3rd person froze, but from the corner of my eye it looked like her jaw hit the table. All this while the first one carried on talking in a businesslike way. I was so disorientated my brain closed down, but I managed to mumble some crap ignoring what she said, and kept ignoring it the rest of the meeting. Many levels of inappropriateness there. But I can’t stop wondering whether what she said was based on some repressed feelings inside her? Her true wishes blurting out? I look forward to more inappropriateness it the future (damning my conscience all the way no doubt).

And the final one (I have held you up long enough in your quest to finish the page). A while ago I was giving some training in Melbourne (same girlfriend as the earlier stories) when I was constantly distracted by a drop dead gorgeous girl with a nice personality carrying on to a friend, laughing etc. However, she did come up to me afterwards to apologise. And invite me to the staff Christmas party that night (top time to give a short training course). And then offer to show me around the city. And made it clear she expected a goodbye kiss on the cheek when I left. And kept in contact for 6 months after that. And happened to be seeing a friend near Sydney and wanted a lift from the airport after that. All getting too inappropriate (where does that damn line get drawn with a girlfriend), but finally I realised that there was easy way to fix that - become single again. After that, all was sweet, and after a suitable courting period, I had a Mrs Fillet.

My conscience told me to keep the post short, but I have been able to put it aside this time. Perhaps there is hope for a more interesting future after all?
(Sat 30th Sep 2006, 15:22, More)

» Airport Stories

Not really an airport...
When I was young and foolish (a couple of years ago) I decided to go skydiving. What better way to get over my fear of heights, I thought to myself, than floating down from a great height.

Well, the plane ride up was scarier than the jump itself. The plane had electrical tape all over it holding panels on etc, and they didn't have a proper door - just a rolled up piece of plastic loosely tied at the sides. Now this door was the real problem, because the plane floor was on a steep angle as they went up and up forever, and I found myself continually slipping down towards the door. As it was a tandem jump I didn't have a parachute on, and I wasn't clipped in for the ride up. By the time we got to jumping height, I was more than happy to clip in and jump out. I now wonder if they set it up like that on purpose.

Oh, so this question is meant to be airports rather then airplanes then. Ok, same day, after landing, I was in the little shitty airport area, and decided to make small talk with the guy I'd been strapped to. So I ask when the last time was that he'd had to use his emergency chute. Last jump before this one he said. Then I remembered that while I was getting kitted out lots of people outside had stopped at one point, looked up and oohed and ahhed. Glad I didn't know that before I jumped.
(Fri 3rd Mar 2006, 11:53, More)

» Cheating cheaty cheats

Cards
Back at the end of high school four of us used to play 500 (the card game with like Euka & bridge with suits and calling, with 10 tricks). All four of us were cheats to an extent, but my partner and I were good at it, and the other two were crap.

So one round my partner had his cards arranged indicating he had a good hand but not the joker, so I arranged mine to tell him I didn't have the joker either. Subsequent signalling showed I had the ace to his king of his long suit. Meanwhile he saw one of them mouthing to the other one "have you got flappy" which is what they called the joker for some reason, and the other one subtly shook his head. So on his call in the first round he calls 10 no trumps, picks up the joker from the kitty, and whips some ass.

Bastard was always a better cheat than me - Sly Ollie if you're out there kick some more butt.

Oh yeah, then I went to uni, and one day there was a 500 competition. I didn't have a regular partner, so I taught this other friend how to play that afternoon, and taught him a couple of good signalling systems, but the cards weren't with us, and we lost the grand final. Fair play to him though - even though 50 odd people were scrutinising us, he kept up the signalling in the finals.
(Sat 19th Nov 2005, 11:32, More)