» The Soundtrack of your Life

all my friends - lcd soundsystem
you spend the first five years trying to get with the plan, and the next five years trying to be with your friends again. you're talking 45 turns just as fast as you can, yeah, i know it gets tired, but it's better when we pretend.

it comes apart - the way it does in bad films, except the part where the moral kicks in. though, when we're running out of the drugs and the conversation's grinding away, i wouldn't trade one stupid decision for another five years of life.

...

and, with a face like a dad and a laughable stand, you can sleep on the plane or review what you said. when you're drunk and the kids look impossibly tanned, you think over and over: hey, i'm finally dead!

when the trip and the plan come apart in your hands, you can turn it on yourself, you ridiculous clown. you forget what you meant, when you read what you said and, yeah, we knew you were tired, but then where are your friends tonight?
(Fri 29th Jan 2010, 23:24, More)

» Mugged

so much for doing good...
came out of a pub in a slightly dodgy area of bristol one sunday night. had been in there all of 5 mins returning a pair of glasses i'd accidentally picked up the previous night.

i start walking home
- i hear two guys coming up behind me

i carry on walking
- they're walking faster than me, and talking loudly about some crap or other

i carry on walking
- they start to pass me, except they're going past one on either side

alarm bells start to ring
- at that moment, one hits me across the throat with his arm and the other pushes me onto the floor

i stay still, stunned, trying to breathe and trying to speak
- they go through my pockets and run off


very professionally done - i didn't even see their faces.
taught me the element of surprise counts a lot more than any skills in martial arts i may have.
(Mon 19th Jun 2006, 21:44, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

variation on a theme
what do you call a woman with no legs?
- dirty cunt.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 18:09, More)

» How I Skive Off Work

school's out...
a friend of mine is a teacher. his school was recently fitted out with lots of new networked computers, with free broadband access given to the pupils at breaktimes. a few months afterwards, the headteacher wanted to know what sorts of websites the children were looking at so he asked the head of IT to give him a summary of the access log from the last few weeks.
turns out the most viewed website was the jobs section of the times educational supplement.
(Thu 28th Apr 2005, 19:37, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

more child abuse...
i used to collect baby jokes when i was younger. i expect all of these have been posted already, but i feel i need to say my bit, if only to justify that my youth wasn't totally wasted...


What's red and dances?
- A baby on a burner

What's red and hangs?
- A baby on a meat hook

What's green and hangs?
- The same baby six months later

What's black and blue and goes round and round?
- A baby in a tumble dryer

What's blue and bubbles and goes round and round?
- A baby in a washing machine

What's blue and bubbles and taps at the window?
- A baby in a fish tank

What's red and bubbles and taps at the window?
- A baby in a microwave

How do you make a dead baby float?
- Take your foot off its head

What's red and screams and can't turn around in a lift?
- A baby with a javelin through its head

What's the difference between a cartload of sand and a cartload of dead
babies?
- You don't unload sand with a pitchfork

What's the difference between a baby and a pizza?
- A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

What do you do after you've had a baby?
- Pull its nappy up

What's worse than having sex with a five year old?
- Him telling you he's had it better
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 23:31, More)