b3ta.com user Kihap
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» World's Sickest Joke

Two Tramps
walking down beside a railway track. One tramp turns to the other and says "This is my lucky stretch of track. Last month I found a case of whisky, took back to my matress, underneath the arches and got pissed for a week!"

"Lucky bastard!" replied the other tramp.

A couple of miles later down track it was the other tramps lucky stretch of track. He explained to the first tramp, "last month, I got to here and there was a woman, naked, tied to the tracks. So I untied her and we went back to my matress underneath the arches and we fucked all weekend, I mean we did everything!"
"Wow! You lucky bastard!" replied the first tramp, "You did everything! Did she suck your cock?"
"No" he replied, "I couldn't find her head."
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 15:18, More)

» I just don't get it

Perhaps I'm being stupid, but if I go to buy something and the person selling says, 'Great deal that is, cheap at half the price!' Now what I want to say is 'Of course it would be cheap at half the price but you are selling it at the full price so it not bloody cheap so what are you talking about'. Surely they should be saying 'Cheap at double the price', makes more sense surely. Or am I missing something?
(Thu 31st Mar 2005, 16:01, More)

» Mugged

Yes , the festival. A time of enjoying yourself in the sunshine/mud, getting pissed, stoned and listening to the bands. Sounds good? My mate was in his sleeping bag in the tent when 2 scousers came in, held a knife to his throat and went through all our stuff. What they want with my pants and an old t shirt, Ill never know. I sat outside the tent and watched them robbing loads of people. The police turned up but they were gone in the crowd. In the morning there were bags all over the place where they had been ransacked.
Then, my mate, or Lucky as we called him, asked someone he had met for about an hour to carry the rucksack which had the beer in it. He promptly went for a piss and was never seen again.
Then, my fucking mate, got approached by 2 huge, scouse security guards. Told him the beers he had just bought were "illegal" so he had to give them the beer or receive a kicking.
We didn't want to hang about with him anymore so we decide to go home. Only to find the car was, that's right, nicked.
He did redeem himself by having a load of cash in his socks, which paid for loads of beer in way home and then we got a free lift in an ambulance which was loaded with weed, beer and all the other goodies. Result. The Spirit of Glastonbury lives on. But not with scousers.
(Wed 21st Jun 2006, 17:05, More)

» Near Death Experiences

Theres been a few........
but the one I remember most was when I severed the tendons and artery in my wrist. I skipped up getting out of the bath, put my arm out to stop myself falling and landed on a glass. Bathrooms are stupid places for glass objects, i know, but hindsight is a wonderful thing. Anyway, I heard a 'click' sound, looked down at my wrist and saw bone and a little pipe sticking out about as thick as your little finger, which then proceded to pump out, with every heartbeat,all of my blood. Think Spiderman and his web. Its not a continuous spray, just a rhythmic spurting. Called for help and sat back down in the bath, which was just a soup of me and applied pressure with my knees. Started to feel cold and faint but also remarkably calm compared to the people that came to help me.
when I came to, I was swearing alot at the nurses for some unknown reason. Interesting times lay ahead.

Apologies for no bright lights at end of tunnel.
(Tue 30th Nov 2004, 12:00, More)

» Dentists

When I
first started seeing my present girlfriend the sex was vigourous and often. One weekend I munched so long and hard on her bush that I had to go to the dentist for a haircut.

(Wed 8th Nov 2006, 14:56, More)
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