» Pure Ignorance

Geography Lesson
This story was recounted to me by my uncle, who is German. He speaks excellent English albeit with a tinzy winzy bit off an akzent.

One one occasion, he travels to the US on business of some kind, and ends up having a conversation with a pair of Americans.

After talking for some considerable time, the more astute of the pair notices something funny about the way the stranger is talking and pipes up with:

"Hey, you're not from the US are you? Are you European?"

Uncle: "Yes, yes I am, I'm from-"
American: "No no, please lemme guess"
Uncle: "Okay, go ahead..."
American: "Hmm, let me think - France?"

Clearly noting the limitations of the other guy's brain, my uncle decides to be a little more helpful.

Uncle: "Well no. Somewhere a little bigger perhaps."
American: "Aah! The Netherlands?"

Sweet jesus

Uncle: "No..."
American: "Hungary?"
Uncle: "No..."
American: "Albania?"
Uncle: "No, no you're not going to guess: I'm from Germany"
American: "Aah of course! Now I should have guessed from your blue eyes that you're Scandinavian!"
(Mon 10th Jan 2005, 22:35, More)

» Toilets

Another time in Italy on a school trip
We were on a group expedition around the back streets of Rome, when I realised that lunch had disagreed with me.

Not just needing-a-poo, mind, this was a serious rear-evacuation emergency; a war was ensuing in my gut and the battle was heading south at unholy speed.

I tried to survive for a while, but our meanderings were taking us no closer to the hotel. With the clock ticking I begged the teacher to pause the trip and let me use the lavatory.

We found a small restaurant, and almost with tears of relief in my eyes, I was ushered into the only toilet, where I was confronted with... yes a stinking Italian hole-in-the-floor toilet with two footprints in the concrete.

By this time I was almost delirious, so I squatted down and spent a good 10 minutes over the horrid little hole. Once the shakes and sweats had subsided, I looked around to discover that not only was there no sink, but not even any toilet paper. Pulling my trousers back on with a grimace (oh yes), I decided the only option was to escape the restaurant as discretely as possible, and rejoin my party, and never ever think of it again.

I opened the door to make good my escape, only to find a queue at the door of both teachers and half a dozen other students. I could have died...
(Sun 4th Sep 2005, 16:56, More)

» Terrible food

Rice Rant
<rant> I just went to Essex University canteen where I ordered cod with rice. The dude serving destroyed the smallest piece of cod he could find by using the wrong implement, arranged the remains on my plate and then buried it under enough rice to feed at least four people in what was probably guilty compensation for the rip-off he'd just administered. The whole disaster came to five quid. Five quid for a plate of rice! Argh </rant>

Apologies for rant, its the rice talking.
(Tue 22nd May 2007, 13:50, More)

» Toilets

In Greece...
We were staying in this rather cheap hotel in Athens and left it (nice and clean) to go visit the Parthenon or something.

We returned to the hotel to find that the cleaning lady had given the room a once over. Nothing much was different other than a peculiar smell coming from the small toilet room.

Inside the toilet was the biggest Mr Hanky we'd ever seen. I mean it was enormous, standing straight up in the bowl, even breaching the water like some smelly brown iceberg.

My Greek is not good enough to explain to the receptionist that her cleaner/horse had left a guiness record turd in our toilet, so we had no choice but to flush the toilet repeatedly in the hope of weathering it sufficiently that it might one day fit down the tube...
(Sun 4th Sep 2005, 16:34, More)