» World's Most Hated Food

Cheesy Swede
My dad's always thought himself as somewhat of a Masterchef. A lot of the time he's right, but one day, clearly inspired by the Fast Show's Cheesy Peas, he came up with Cheesy Swede to go with our Sunday dinner.

And it's foul. It goes with absolutely nothing, yet he still makes huge bowls of it every time, then has to eat it all because no one else likes it. I suppose I should point out to him that people laugh at the concept of Cheesy Peas for a reason.
(Wed 14th Jul 2004, 20:12, More)

» Stuff You've Overheard

Virgin Megastore in Basildon
I was in Virgin Megastore in Basildon a couple of months ago, and whilst I was perusing the CD's, a group of tracksuited youths came in. As they went past me, they passed the Aerosmith CDs, at which point one remarked to his mates:

"I really like Aerosmith"

Clearly in disbelief, his mates all said something along the lines of "You wot?", to which the first lad replies:

"Nah, it's cos, that Steve Tyler, he gave birth to Liv Tyler, innit"

I had to stifle a laugh at fear of getting stabbed.
(Fri 11th Jun 2004, 12:57, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Joke
Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?

So you can see the look on it's face.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 19:11, More)

» Best Comebacks

Well, two actually.
Living in Chelmsford, one tends to be surrounded by the tracksuit mafia. I always find that when you get one of them chavvy twunts ask you "Do you know who my dad is?", the perfect response seems to be "Yeah, Julian Clary".

Also, I attend a grammar school (don't laugh) and whilst in a local club, another charver type approached my mate Fred and started on a lengthy tirade about something or other. In the middle of said tirade, Fred interrupted, saying:

"Look, you can say whatever you want now, but in ten years time when I'm your Managing Director, I'll be the one laughing as you grovel for your job"

Which amused all and sundry to no end.
(Thu 29th Apr 2004, 22:07, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Chili Balls
My dad told me about how he was making a chili con carne once, and, as is his wont, was using birds-eye chilis for the heat - very small, but extremely hot. So he's cutting away at the chilis and gets chili juice all over his hands. Chili in the pot. Boosh. Leave for two hours to cook.

Now, as my dad's sitting down waiting for the chili to cook, he suddenly feels a burning sensation coming from his testicular region. The packets of birds eye chilis tell you to wash your hands thoroughly after touching them, which my dad had failed to do and then absentmindedly given himself a bit of a scratch in the downstairs region.

Apparently my mum came in to find him squatting in the bath over some shallow cold water.
(Fri 3rd Sep 2004, 14:30, More)