b3ta.com user Elmintrude
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» Famous people I hate

Nicholas Cage...
I'm trembling with rage even as I type this. I hate everything about him. I hate his face, his hair, his voice, his lungs, the soles of his feet, his aura, his armpit hair. I don't know if he has any but I also hate all his pets and armchairs.

If I see a poster for one of his films I have to hold my hand up to obscure my view of him.

I can't remember the exact reasons behind my utter contempt for him but I'd like to hog tie him, suspend him from a tree and spend an afternoon whacking him in the face with a dead hare.

.....and relax.
(Thu 4th Feb 2010, 13:16, More)

» School Projects

Turtle Power!!
In the first year of high school, when I should have been having my first sips of cider and trying to make my wee turn white I was obsessed with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. (The first time they were "in" I hasten to add)

To introduce ourselves to our new form we had to give a presentation on our interests, either alone or in groups. Luckly two of my mates were in the form and had a similar obsession so we decided to do a joint one about nothing but our favourite heroes in half shells.

Somewhere along the way we had a major disagreement on content so I went it alone. On the day I stood in front of a group of my fellow pupils who were progressing in life and trying to project themselves as cool. I produced a vast collection of mugs, figures, posters, t shirts and whatever shite I'd had collected for xmas and birthday presents for many years.

The upshot was I looked like a right twat, never lived it down and didn't touch a girl right through high school.

Best days of my life!!! Cowabunga!
(Sat 15th Aug 2009, 1:29, More)

» Mobile phone disasters

T'was the night before before Xmas
and the jolly bosses at work had laid on a free bar at a council pub over the road. With me working in my home town and with Xmas being the season for giving I invited a few of my mates to come along and I'd go to the bar and furnish them all with free booze.

Everything went according to plan until the free bar was running out and we decided to go to one of the other many council pubs in the area. The only problem was I was in full work regalia (shirt and tie) so needed to get home, changed and out again faster than MJs final heartbeats.

I had the idea of calling mother (I was a wee slip of a lad at the time) and get her to do the necessary ironing so I could head straight back out on the razzle dazzle. Full of booze and eager to make my mates/work colleagues laugh, after I'd made the arrangements with mother and she'd hung up I said "And then I'm going to put my shirt on and shoehorn one right up your arse".

She hadn't hung up.

I went bright red.

My shirt was immaculately ironed.
(Wed 5th Aug 2009, 16:34, More)

» The most childish thing you've done as an adult

Bus Stop Widgie
I doubt I'm the only person to have done this but only last weekend I painted a fine specimen of a "bus stop widgie" on my brothers front room wall. It looked exactly like this:

His missus was decorating the next day so it wasn't a permanent feature.
(Thu 17th Sep 2009, 19:24, More)

» Things to do before you die

Ever since I was a small, hairy child with a lisp and dolphin teeth I've harboured a burning desire to be able to produce milk. Not for any perverse/sexual reasons, you filthy minded gerbil feltchers! I think it's more of a self sufficiency thing.

I have, in the past, constructed devices to help me on my quest. Using one of those baseball caps that can house 2 cans of beer, 2 bottles of milk (cows I'm afraid), some discreet tubing and some plasters. Unfortunately the lack of a closable nipple left me in a crying, milky mess. I tried to remedy the problem with some taps I got off a box of wine but I just looked strange.

I live in the hope that one day, in my lifetime a procedure will become available that makes this possible.

If not, I wouldn't mind doing a bungee jump.
(Thu 14th Oct 2010, 15:36, More)
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