b3ta.com user gentleben
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Computer illiterate, living in the netherlands

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» Out of my depth

must agree with former post. I spent a year in Australia and decided to become a tanned and expert surf machine. Unfortunately i had a lot more bottle than skill or sense and so on about my third attempt went out in overhead surf conditions.

I've never come closer to death. I spent about half an hour trying to get "out back" past the line of breaking waves. Every time i made a few meters the next wave would crash on my head, drag me under and push me back towards the beach. I was pretty much exhausted so i started to back in.... which turned out to be just as difficult as i was now caught in some kind of evil rip current / eddy that kept me firmly in position for the largest waves to come crashing down on me.

I was really terrified but luckily for me the life guards in australia are terrific, on the ball and completely unsympathetic. I got hauled out of the water by one who told me that

"we pull about 20 of you fucking poms out of here every day. When will you silly bastards learn?"
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 13:52, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

whats grey and smells of curry?

John Majors dick....
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 18:15, More)

» Have you ever been dumped in a spectacular way?

involve the in laws
A friend of mine ( an anagram of his name is david) has the honour of being able to tell people he managed to turn 2 of his ex's into lesbians.

As a matter of fact they ended up with each other...... but i remember the classic way he dumped one of them was to call her father up after a long, drunken and tortuous row to demand that he come and take away his "demented bitch of a daughter as i can't stand the sight of her"... which he promptly did
(Fri 18th Jun 2004, 11:56, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

ging gang gooly
Scouts and rope swings. Theres only one thing that scouts love better than rope swings and thats fire. However when matches and aerosol cans are unavailable i kn ow of one lad who managed to make his own. We had built a pretty respectable and it has to be said for 12 year olds fearsome rope swing across a large ditch in the woods.
The Rope swing required one of two techniques. Either gripping the end of the rope to gain a wide but it must be said uneventfull swing across the gulley or climbing further up the bank in order to have a much faster and more thrilling "high swing".
It came finally came to stevens turn, nothing extrodinarty about steven perhaps a little podgier than the rest but nothing grotesque. Steven climbed higher up the bank than anyone before him had dared and launched himself into scouting legend.
As he swang out his arms must have slipped or just given out, cueing steven to fall about 15 feet. This was not so bad but stevey had his legs wrapped tightly around the rope throughout the fall, whilst wearing the shortest of cub scout shorts.

The rope/ friction abrasions were horrific enough but what capped the story for a group of eleven year olds was that, for the rest of the camp steven had to have cold cream rubbed into his groinal areas by a the female cub scout leader.

Dib Dib Dib
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 21:18, More)

» My Worst Vomit

carpet pizza
The two stories of worst vom ever

My version.

Get home at a reasonable hour.. a bit worse for wear and as i was still underage I managed to hide it from the folks with a bit of light banter at the doorstep.Glass of water and up the stairs and into bed.

my brothers version

Deranged elder brother wakes up entire house at 2 in the morning by falling over bins and then leaning on bell untill someone lets him in.
Brother then proceeds to hang from the front door whilst gently swearing at collected family members. Takes a swift run up and tries to navigate the stairs which he nearly does. But manages to miss about the third step from the top and falls heavily onto his belly causing a water cannon pressure stream of vomit to cover nearly every inch of landing carpet and lower walls but not so much as a drop on the lino floor of the bathroom. Brother helped to bed by overly understanding dad.

Ohh to be 16 again
(Thu 19th Aug 2004, 21:33, More)
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