» Have you ever paid for sex?

My Geordie Mate..
Is an absolute filth bag. On his year off, he managed to find himself in some town in colubia - fancying a shag(as you do), he decided to propostion a few whores.... waving the five dollars he has to his name in their faces. They all point in one direction. Once at said location the whore in question politely turns around, offering our friend "the back door". Winner- haway the lads! Now our friend contents that he went for the reacharound before insertion but we think he went through with it, then found the meat-and-two-veg, cracked the bloke, and grabbed his five dollars back and then went on (unsucessfully) to find a new "lady". Notably he got chased by the pimp the next day..... oh how we all laughed..

I think length and girth are both Whorely appropriate here...
(Thu 19th Jan 2006, 15:49, More)

» Misunderstood

I'm not gay... honest.
At a friend of the Mrs' birthdays a couple of weeks back. We'd swigged a bottle of vino before we went down there. One of her (male) friends had brought along his new boyfriend. To whom I was introduced shaking his hand he came right up to me, assuming he was doing the, ahem, lady like thing I kissed him on the cheek, not noticing his slightly stunned look, he pulled out and went for the other cheek (how continental!? I thought), so yep - kissed him on the other cheek. Timing it to perfection - just as the music dropped -"I was only asking you name" says he - "what do you think I am??" ooh dear oh dear, had to have a sit down at the bar for a little while in embarrasment.

length or girth - NO THANKS!
(Mon 10th Oct 2005, 14:52, More)

» Toilets

Reading Poop
As a slightly poo-phobic kid (I'd only ever crap at home or on "nice toilets"), I never gave a second thought when a bunch of us decided to go to the Reading festival as a 17yo.
Feeling slightly bloated on the first day, I decided to queue up for a crap.
2 hours went by in this queue, once into a cubicle, i vomited. The vomit was a reaction to the rather large and still steaming turd in the wash bowl. Natually I left and never queue'd for the toilet again. The next day, lack-of-poo induced, prompting emergency call home and dad coming to pick me up..... all the way from Bradford.

Whoops.
Something about length....?
(Fri 2nd Sep 2005, 15:23, More)

» Airport Stories

Ski Trips
I have plenty of stories but a recent one of a mate is the best I've heard in a while.

Super cheap boarding holiday to Tignes, flight booked to Grenoble from Stanstead, car hire from Grenoble and parking pre paid in Tignes.
So the train breaks down to Stanstead, they miss check in by one minute, forcing them to rebook a flight leaving in 6 hours to Lyon. Ring the car hire up and get that swapped to Lyon. Arrive in Lyon and pick the car up, one them dosn't have his licence and the other dosn't have a credit card (lesson learnt - always have a credit card), so by this point they're pretty fucked off and hop in a taxi from Lyon to Tignes (£300!!) forfieting the carpark cash and the booking fee on the car hire. 7 days of shite boarding as it hadn't snowed for two weeks later their time to go home came, so it's a bus to the nearest town, and two trains to Grenoble. Unfortunately Grenoble airport is no-where near Grenoble (think London Stanstead without public transport!) so another taxi ride for 150ecus.

Another mate had a similar issue with transport to Tignes having got to Lyon a day late he finally convinced the coach firm to take him, and managed through the power of internation signs to get the coach driver to put some porn on as he was the only passsenger at the back.
Filth Bag
(Thu 9th Mar 2006, 13:29, More)

» Pretentious bollocks

Chicago
I'm an Engineer and so have a slightly logical view of the arts.
Every time my mother comes down to the 'smoke we have to go to the bloody theatre, so we went to see chicago, except it wasn't, it was the dances of the choreographer from Chicago.
Arse.
So relieved the interval arrived, stood at the bar, asked dear mother "so I'm no quite sure- I thought I was following the story line for the 1st 10 minutes but then I lost it" to which a random punter in at the bar informed me there was no storyline, it was just dance.
Embarrased? no, just sore at the loss of the cash on the tickets.... shitesville!

p.s. the eggs are a revelation - EGGScellent!
(Thu 29th Sep 2005, 13:58, More)