» Accidental innuendo

Followed by a stunned silence.
About a year and a half ago I was around at the in-law's for sunday dinner with the wife, all three of her brothers, their partners and kids.

The eldest niece (aged about three) gets fed up towards the end of the meal and starts playing with a pea that has fallen from her plate onto the table. Mother in law, in all her naive innocence pipes up - "I hope you're not going to turn into a bean flicker like your Dad."
(Sun 15th Jun 2008, 10:35, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

door frame,
i've just thought of another, at uni my housemate and i sat in preperation for a big night out in our kitchen witht the first can of the night. being very childish my housemate said something rude and then ran off so i chased him out of the kitchen.

Normally when i give chase he slams the doors behind him to slow me down. Having been caught out by this before i lept into the air to open the swinging door with a bruce lee style fly kick. This would have worked perfectly giving me the opportunity to catch him on the stairs and administer a fairly homoerotic slapping had he bothered to shut the door.

As it turns out he didn't and instead of meeting the resistance offered by the door and bouncing elegantly to the ground i sailed through the opening and caught the top of my head on the top of the frame just above the hairline. My feet came up level with my head, glasses flew off and i hit the groud with a two inch gash across the top of my head. As most people know head wounds are second only to a severed artery for their bleeding prowess. I lost a good pint of blood waiting for a sober friend arrive to drive me to the A&E Once there i had to explain to a rather unsympahetic docor what had happened and get it glued up. for a week after i had to walk around with a pasty crust of glue at the top of my forehead.

I was touched by the level of sympathy offered by my housemate, when he'd finally finished laughing he ran upstairs to get a camera before he even thought about ringing around for a driver. Mind you i laughed for about a week when he broke both his wrists kicking a tennis ball so i suppose i deserved it.
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 13:21, More)

» Petty Sabotage

boy racer revenge
Marbles up the exhaust pipe and into the silencer of the boyracer next door. Each time the car slows, corners or speeds up there's an untraceable grindy rumbling sound. could be bearings, could be brake pads...

Only problem is i doubt he'll ever have his stereo quiet enough to hear them. He really is a twat.
(Thu 5th May 2005, 15:07, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

what's the best thing about
fucking a 13 year old girl?

from behind she looks like a 13 year old boy.
(Fri 10th Sep 2004, 13:30, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

new years
being cornish the done thing to do at the end of the year is to dress up and roam the streets of st ives with several thousand other like minded individuals. after a last minute costume gathering rush i found found myself down at the low tide mark dressed as a ghostbuster next to the harbour wall looking at the moon with a friend of mine. As we start to walk up the beach back into the town we spy a handbag that some fool has left in the middle of the beach. In a vodka induced moment of brilliance we decide that it should be kicked as hard as possible and both rush off to put the boot in. Being a bit quicker on my feet than my friend i arrived a couple of seconds ahead and gave the handbag a massive running kick. Only it wasn't a handbag. It was the tip of a very large lump of granite.

And i smashed my foot up.

And had to be carried back to the car (where we where sleeping).

And all this happened before midnight.

And i've no one to blame but myself.

and my friends all still laugh about it.

and it took over a year to heal fully.
(Thu 9th Sep 2004, 11:06, More)