» Jobsworths

Brilliant
Wondering whether or not I had any material for this one when this cracker just happened.

Scratty bin bloke comes into the office and begins rooting around in my bosses bin. My boss asks him 'what are you doing?' Scratty guy replies in a strong Preston accent 'you can't put glass or metal in these bins- health and safety', before proudly removing an empty jar of Kenco, placing it on bosses desk and then pissing off.

I'm bringing in some battery acid and an old sofa tomorrow so I can have the 'its not glass or metal' conversation with him.
(Tue 17th May 2005, 13:06, More)

» Obscure Memorabilia

Brick
Me and my mate Bointon going to see our mate Gerard in London. He is a city fan, so as a present we took him a Brick from Maine Road, which we acquired from a builder on the demolition site.

He tried to act cool and say 'Its a brick- thanks' like he didn't care.

I bet he sleeps next to it.
(Tue 9th Nov 2004, 16:43, More)

» My Worst Date

Nightmare
Just thought of another. Used to play in a band as part of my music lesson with people I didn't really know- certainly not my mates or people I could get lashed with. One young girl came along who was quite tidy, but was only 16 (I was 18 at the time), but a young looking 16.

She went to the same school as my mate, and told him that she wanted me to take her out. My initial reaction was 'no chance', as I wanted to avoid the obvious 'paedo' chants from my mates. My mate, however, wanted a bit of one of her friends (equally young looking), so I reluctantly agreed to a cinema trip.

So we meet them at the cinema- they are dolled up to high heaven (we are just in jeans and t's)- mini dresses and stiletto's and shite loads of make-up, which had the net effect of making them look even younger. At this point we are shitting ourselves, hoping that nobody sees us.

That was where the problem was- as we walk in we see about 5 different groups of people we know- I'm talking the footy team, people from both our 6th forms and even some neighbours.

Needless to say we got dog's abuse for months- the comment which still haunts me was 'Oh, is this your little sister?' Aaaaaaah- wrong!
(Mon 25th Oct 2004, 17:45, More)

» World's Most Hated Food

Revells
Russian Roulette for those with potentially fatal Peanut allergies (or a dislike of the taste of Coffee)
(Tue 13th Jul 2004, 14:40, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

Ouch- never felt pain like it
At school, aged 15. Messing about at dinner- pretended to throw my mate Winnard out of a first floor window. Wouldn't have hurt him- there was even a bush outside to break his fall. Anyway, the boy was a bit like Mowgli off the Jungle book, and managed to avoid my little prank. Worse still, he turned round and kneed me right in the plumbs!

Now girls, you may not be able to realise just how painful this is, and for that you are lucky. I had to go home from school- picked up by my mother.

All weekend I was in agony, unable to sleep or eat as my swollen genitalia denied my any kind of comfort. It was only when my mother demanded to see the problem on Sunday, that she rushed me to hospital, who admitted me immediately. My balls were about 3 times their normal size- which in different circumstances, could have been impressive.

I'm not sure what was more embarassing- having to show my mother, the fit german student nurses who fondled them for experience on their work placement, or the 9 years of ridicule I have endured since
(Thu 2nd Sep 2004, 11:21, More)