» Airport Stories

I was a kid...
...back on the way home from a holiday in the States.
Seriously confused and jet lagged, the whole family were stuck in Heathrow waiting for a connecting flight.
Despite my best efforts, my bowels refused to accept the new time zone, and I trotted off to the loo.
Every single cubicle in the long line was occupied, so I waited my turn.
On finally entering a vacant stall, I decided that it would be a good idea to wipe the seat with a wad of bogroll.

Imagine my surprise as the seat detached neatly from the toilet and shot under the cubicle wall. There was an ensuing cry of pain and alarm from the next toilet...
I did my business and loitered as long as I could to make sure my injured neighbour had departed. Unfortunately we both walked out of our cubicles at the same time.

As luck would have it, I was wearing jeans and a big fuck-off cowboy belt (yes, and a hat - I was a kid!) so I looked back, put on my best American accent and exclaimed 'Goddam thang has an ejectur seat!'

My victim must have been british because he smiled politely and limped off.
(Mon 6th Mar 2006, 19:30, More)

» My computer gave away my secrets

Dirty Pr0n dialler
Many years ago, when I was a real PC newb I was having trouble with my dial-up conncetion.
So I was forced to phone the wallet-knackering BT helpdesk.

The guy managed to navigate me to the network connections screen and asked what I could see.
'Um, create a new connection, BT Anythime, and er XXXShagnastyDialler...'
It was one of those things that you just read out without thinking it through first.
There was a soft chuckle from the other end of the phone and we continued to check out the problem.
The smug bastard never thought to suggest that I delete the offending item...

Helpdesk my arse.
(Wed 15th Feb 2006, 14:07, More)

» Job Interviews

I once had to...
Interview staff for a new store that was opening for a popular DIY chain (no, the other one). We were looking for a warehouse assistant. One of the guys was blind in one eye and prone to seizures. I was sitting next to the regional HR manager, who had warned me prior to the interview of the fact that we were not allowed to discriminate against those with a disability.
Unfortunately, when the subject of health and safety awareness came up, I was forced to ask a question along the lines of 'Is it wise to allow someone with no depth perception, and who is liable to black out at random to drive a fork lift truck?'
I didn't play any further part in the interviews, and the guy didn't get the job...
(Sat 22nd Jan 2005, 14:06, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

Makes me wretch...
Jack and Jill went up the hill
so Jack could lick Jill's fanny.
All he got was a mouthful of cum
'cos Jill's a fucking tranny.
(Sat 11th Sep 2004, 14:07, More)

» Embarrassing Injuries

What a day!
Hi, my name is BlueCaller, and I want to tell you all about an accident that I had the other day. I had just stepped out of the shower, and was kneeling on the bathroom floor when WHAM! That's right, the toilet seat (one of those heavy wooden ones) crashed straight down on to my nuts! Unfortunately I had been holding the rim of the bowl with my left hand, and I felt an agonising pain in my index finger. I figured it was broken, and that I would have to go to casualty. I rushed into the bedroom to get dressed, but in my haste I had forgotten that there was a 2 litre soft drinks bottle in a carrier bag suspended from the ceiling by two bits of string (in an inverted Y shape). Needless to say, the cap end of the bottle caught me a glancing blow in the happy sacks. My finger was now quite swolen, so I adjusted the elastic band round my cock weights and pulled on my lycra cycling shorts. I rushed downstairs to call a taxi, when as luck would have it, my partner returned home from shopping. Seeing me in obvious distress, she kicked me straight in the bollocks with her pointy-toed lady shoes. Anyway, it turned out that my finger wasn't broken, only bruised. That was a relief as otherwise it would have spoiled a fantastic day!
(Wed 8th Sep 2004, 9:44, More)