» Crazy Relatives

Out to lunch
This QOTW seems very familiar so I'll pearoast my grandma (PEAroast not spit...)

One day I was round at my Grandma's sorting out some wiring for her, she popped her head round the door to say she was going down to the shops and would I like anything? I asked her to pick me up a Mars bar as I was starving.

Later on she came back and said "I didn't get you a Mars bar but I've got you a packet of batteries instead"


Length? never mind the quality, feel the width....
(Thu 5th Jul 2007, 17:45, More)

» I hurt my rude bits

It still brings tears to the eyes....
Many moons ago when I was at the University of Smogland (Middlesborough) I had arranged at dirty weekend meet up with my then girlfriend who was working back up in civilisation (Newcastle).

Being young and away from the g/f is a hard thing in more than one way so when she phoned and said "I have a stinking cold I don't think I should come down this weekend" it took all my powers of persuasion to say "damn the cold! I'll take that risk"

Anyway to cut a long story short, after much tea and sympathy, followed by vodka and lemsip cocktails she seemed back to her normal self, namely hornier than a Rhino's nose.

At this point her head proceeded southwards, I was thinking the weekend was turning out better than I'd hoped when she let out an almighty sneeze and her jaw clamped shut on my tackle, cue searing agony that could only be equalled by listening to 35 hours of Chris Moyles.

It not easy to stagger to A&E with your knob dripping blood and snot encrusted pubes. I still have top and bottom scars to this day.

Apologies for length, they managed to graft it back on.
(Tue 18th Jul 2006, 16:44, More)

» Shoddy Presents

Mad Grandparents, guaranteed to liven up christmas
Not sure if this quite fits...

One day I was round at my Grandma's sorting out some wiring for her, she popped her head round the door to say she was going down to the shops and would I like anything? I asked her to pick me up a mars bar as I was starving

Later on she came back and said "I didn't get you a Mars bar but I've got you a packet of batteries instead"

Yummy.....

Also one year she gave me a tin of tea for christmas, I'm violently allergic to tea and have been all my life, do you think she was trying to tell me something?
(Thu 23rd Sep 2004, 14:59, More)

» I Quit!

Don't know why I kept this
I would go through a huge saga about what led to my resignation but I'll let my resignation letter say it instead

Dear *Soggy waste of space team manager*,

I hereby wish to give formal notice of my intent to resign from my post as a technical support advisor on Friday 8th April 2005. I regret to say that I can no longer tolerate the current regime of mismanagement within the department.

Over the past year the policies relating to staffing, resource management, staff structure and promotions have served only to alienate and drive out the long serving experienced staff that are the very life blood of any technical support department.

The level of technician knowledge has dropped from over three years to just over one in the same period, the net effect of which has left a department where considerably more mistakes are being made and the number of experienced staff members there to catch and correct the errors has dropped drastically. I find myself spending more of my time fixing and apologising for the mistakes caused by the poor planning, lack of adequate resourcing or inexperience of others. This is a situation which I have no desire see myself continuing in but as there appears to be no sign of a solution or even positive direction from management I cannot see the situation improving, hence the only way to resolve the issue is to leave the department.

I would like to say that I have no issues with working for XXXX as a company, it is purely the Technical Support Department I have no desire to work for any longer. Current policies have seen it change from the enjoyable place to work with career prospects and a reward system based on actual ability to do the job to a low-morale, high staff turnover “Dickensian workhouse” atmosphere.

I currently feel isolated in my role as a technician, the resources to help me are inadequate, the support I receive from the established support structure is virtually non existent. As the customers first point of contact we are expected to deal with program bugs and poor design features which we accumulate more with every version, it would appear we are expected to handle irate customers who are encountering these problems but are not sufficiently trusted to know what is being done about them.

I have no desire to resign from my job but after leaving me isolated, undervalued, extremely frustrated and stressed I feel I have no choice as I have no faith in the ability of the current management structure to rescue us from the hole it has dug itself.

Yours sincerely

Cliche Guevara

I'm not sure if I was subtle enough?

apols.... length... yadda yadda....
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 19:13, More)

» Terrible food

Fatal food
Back when I was a poverty stricken student (there's a term you don't seem to hear these days) all we had left in the house were some oats, questionable milk, a bag of mixed fruit and body-building whey supplements, all left by a flatmate who'd absconded a week or so earlier.

My other FM decided to try and make porridge with it while we raked around down the back fo the sofa for enough shrapnel to go to the chippy.

After annoying the Golden Chip by overloading their till with coppers we came back to the house to find other FM face down in his bowl of porridge. The coroners report said he'd been dragged in by a strong current.

I'll get me coat....
(Thu 17th May 2007, 15:29, More)