» My first experience of porn

I'm still crying.
Me: Tiny, tiny penis.

First porn: Little French Maid, starring John Holmes.

On the upside, the therapy is going great.
(Sun 28th Jan 2007, 9:03, More)

» On the stage

Don't play punk.
In my first real band, our first gig was at a halloween party. We played a bunch of crap tunes cause everyone picked out four songs they wanted to do, so we ended up all over the place. We later settled into being a punk band.

Anyways, the first gig was both recorded and terrible, particularly on my part, as I had yet to develop my vocal chops (still do, but now I know how to fake it anyways), and they still pull out the tape of the show and torture me with it periodically.

That said, my favourite moment was when we were playing the local punk dive some months later and a Croatian got up onstage, whipped his pants down and shoved the bass player's mic up his arse. He had to smell Croatian poo for the rest of the gig, which I rather enjoyed, because he's a bastard.
(Sat 3rd Dec 2005, 21:03, More)

» My Greatest Regrets

Never squander fellatio.
When I was 16, a fat girl wanted to give me head, no strings attached. I turned her down, and proceeded to get no sex for the next f... well, never mind that.

If you are offered a blowjob, and there are no coldsores in evidence, take it.
(Sat 7th Oct 2006, 2:25, More)

» World's Sickest Joke

The one about the grand canyon
Ok, so a family goes on holidays, the mama, the papa and the brother and sister. They go to the Grand Canyon, and are looking out over it, leaning on the railing. All except little Timmy, who's afraid of heights, so he's hanging back a bit, which is good for him, sort of, because the cliff suddenly collapses and his family plummets to their deaths, along with everyone else nearby.

So there's little Timmy, standing at the edge of the cliff crying, and along comes a friendly-looking man on a bicycle, who asks him what's wrong. "My family fell down!" he sobs through his tears.

The man looks thoughtful for a moment, and then says "Man, today just ain't your day, kid," and unzips his pants.
(Tue 14th Feb 2006, 18:39, More)

» Beautiful Moments

Bittersweetness on your side of the pond.
I come over from Canada and trekked around Europe last summer. My companions were an old friend and a girl I unrequitedly believed I was in love with.

The trip was a long succession of beautiful moments (and some not so beautiful). One was at St. Christopher's hostel, out on the balcony at about 6 am and London was absolutely dead, and a pigeon landed on the rail and we stared at each other for a few moments. Dunno why, cause I hate pigeons, but I felt transcendent.

Standing in the cathedral in Seville, looking up at those arches, and realizing that even if religion is sheer bollocks, and even if a lot of really terrible things are done in its name, some really beautiful things are also done in its name.

But the best moment was towards the end of the trip, when I came to realize that my companion was basically a completely self-absorbed cunt and knowing (as opposed to trying to convince myself) that I really was better off without her. I felt utterly liberated.

As another fellow put it, if you can't handle more than a couple of sentences, umm, how do you brits put it... sod off.
(Tue 15th Mar 2005, 23:15, More)