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» Pure Ignorance

Sorry Mum
My dear Mother (Gawd love 'er) is to blame for this nugget of ignorance, or perhaps just plain stupidity.

I was 15 years old with my parents at a place called Masada next to the Dead Sea in Israel. The Dead Sea is the lowest point on earth. Masada sits on a flat mountain top, and is only reachable by cable-car or a particularly gifted yet rather stupid donkey.

We're standing atop the ruins of the ancient fortress looking out over the Dead Sea when two fighter jets come into view. They rumble along the sky line until one veers off and heads in our direction. Remember the height difference here... we were pretty much level with the aircraft.

It screams towards us, getting closer and closer until we all think it's curtains. The pilot then banks away at the last second and leaves our ears ringing and the air crackling as anyone who's ever been to a military airshow will know.

Nobody can speak. Everyone is in a daze ... until my Mother taps me on the shoulder and says ...

"Did you see that?"
(Fri 7th Jan 2005, 14:55, More)

» My Christmas Nightmare

In the last 5 or so years my Gran was with us, she made a slow but sure trek to loonville.

Anyway, she'd heard I liked prawns so went out and bought me a large packet of the pink little critters one year; all wrapped up and nestling in a fishy little parcel under the tree.

(Fri 24th Dec 2004, 11:08, More)

» The Onosecond

Take it apart
A couple of years ago, having a drunken s3x-text session with a doe-eyed bird from the office while on the bus home I got to the point with the mobile I had at the time of being so damn quick selecting the recipient and sending it off that it was actually faster than the phone could cope with.

So my reply to her asking if I'd be into a 'Menage a trois' (all bull5hit of course - chance would be a fecking fine thing) was sent to my g/f in error.

The Onosecond if run in slow motion would have been as follows (adopts a deep time-stretched slo-mo voice)

0.25 - Seeeeennnnnddd
0.50 - Shhhhiiiiiiiitttttt!!!
0.75 - Senddddding SMS.....
1.00 - Taaake the bacccck offf the fuuuccckkkiingggg phoooonnnnneeee.

Yup, I did the only thing possible at the time and removed the back off the phone including the battery. I thankfully stopped the message from going. I checked the g/f's phone when I got home, she was asleep, there were no new messages. Unless of course she'd got the message, deleted it, filed it away in her little black book and then pretended she was asleep. Anyway, too much detail.

Bless - i'm such a bastard.
(Thu 26th May 2005, 15:43, More)

» Singing the wrong words

Sung to the tune of 'I Feel Pretty' from Westside Story...

So... Da da da-da, DA DA DA-DA, DA DA DAH DAAH DAHHHH (repeat this a few times for effect getting louder each time....)

I've done nothing....
I've done nothing of merit today!!!
i've done nada
nada zip bugger fuck all - hooray.
(Thu 27th Jan 2005, 13:03, More)

» Out of my depth

Fresh from the deep end...
It's Friday at 16:00. My boss has just left for the weekend and he's off all next week on holiday. Everyone (about 7 or eight people) is wishing him a good holiday, but there's something else they all know but I don't. I can sense it, but I go on regardless.

In a very informal way I say 'hey - have a good one'. Everyone sniggers and he replies with a 'Whey Heeeey'. Then heads out the door.

Once he's gone I ask what everyone else knows that I don't.

"Oh - he's going for the snip this weekend"

I'll get me coat - monkeyphuqers
(Fri 15th Oct 2004, 16:11, More)
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