» The Onosecond

Ha ha its all girl related
Once after knowing a girl for about two years i asked her out, bad mistake "I only see us as friends" she said, naturally as a man i was unable to deal with this remark and took it upon myself to hate her.

Cue me finding an awesome description on Urban Dictionary of the phrase "lets just be friends" and when i come to send it to my friend who would appreciate the joke i click the only person i didnt want to send it to ever, her.

She sent me one back with the definition for 'loser', gotta admit, it was pretty accurate too

Edit: Just got permission off my freind to use this one,

At Uni my friend who i shall name 'Alan Davis' was trying hard as he could to get with this girl i shall call 'Vicky.'

He was successfull and after a night of groping, fellating and mutual masterbation (apparantly) he feels the need to text me the details of his escapades stating "Why does she need to wank me off, i can do that and with better results, all in all she was shit" of course he didnt send this to me, why would he? Captain spaz manages to send it to the girl that just left his room not more than ten minutes ago.

She hates him still
(Sat 28th May 2005, 16:08, More)

» Now, there was no need for that...

Bacon alight
Once while my freinds had stayed over and i took it upon myself to make breakfast for them (i was 17) and being cocky i proclaimed "i can make the best toasted bacon sandwiches ever."

Toasted is true

Five seconds after i put the bacon in i realised that it hadnt been cleaned in aggggggggessss, the fat alights and the fucking oven was gets burned from the inside out, cue me wrenching the grill out of the oven and chucking it (flaming and all) into the rain outside.

After much panting and flapping i proceed to inform my friend "my mums gonna kill me, this oven is new, actually nearly everything is new, the oven, the fridge, the kettle and the toaster" as soon as the last line was uttered the slice of toast i put in earlier proceded to pop out of the toaster, burnt to a crisp

The dial had been whacked when i was running around trying to wet a tea towel to tackle the fire

No need, safty first
(Sat 18th Jun 2005, 1:26, More)

» Claims to Fame

My name is Dean Martin
which sucks when i was younger i had people singing songs to me i barely knew existed, oh i know a guy called James Dean as well, our parents truely hated us........
(Fri 25th Feb 2005, 17:08, More)

» Petty Sabotage

Sleeping over at a friends house once
i found some 'private' poleroids of the dudes parents in one of the books on the bookshelf, we had this friend Kevin who everyone thought was a bit of a twat (a ginger one too)

So i stole the pictures and balanced them lightly in his coat pocket

morning arrives and as he swishes his denim jacket around like the arrogant wank he was all the dirty pictures of the Chris' mamma went flying about.

She was ugly too
(Sun 8th May 2005, 14:08, More)

» Beautiful Moments

Hm tough one
Maybe when i saw my best friends mum totally naked and instead of being embarased she looked fucking pleased for herself.

So many fantasies over that smile.............. bloody happiest moment of my life she was fucking hot
(Sat 12th Mar 2005, 1:15, More)