Bridget Jones is... good :(




Sorry, I'm really so sorry. -FP... wow thanks a lot... really
(Tue 16th Nov 2004, 13:31, More)

» We have to talk

Various times
One of which was when I was 14. My aunt, with whom I live, came to me and said "We need to talk."

Fuck! Police been round to tell her about all the porn I'd been looking at? All the files I'd downloaded illegally?

"I've left some tissues in your room and I've had to throw your duvet out. Please don't do it again."

I didn't realise that after the 2 years of wanking and wiping my man goo on the inside of my duvet, it had turned a horrible and crusty shade of yellow. Ew.

I use tissues now, or even printing paper when stocks are low.
(Sat 21st Apr 2007, 15:06, More)

» Sleepwalking

I was asleep at my mother's house
I sort of remember it happening, as she never mentioned it again. She walked in at about 10am and tried to wake me up.

I shouted "For fuck's sake will you stop being so sexually frustrated!" and fell back to sleep.

Great.
(Sun 26th Aug 2007, 16:01, More)

» Apparently I'm a sex offender

Apparently
Doing a Darth Vader impression to your aunt on the phone sounds like some bloke having a wank.

Never realised it until I rang her and she was greeted with some heavy Vader breathing
(Fri 18th Aug 2006, 23:28, More)

» My Christmas Nightmare

Too young
Thank God I'm still at the stage that I'm young enough to not screw up crimbo. I did actually have a nightmare one christmas though.
I dreamt Santa had gotten trapped in our chimney (we have an electric cheapo gas fire thing) and couldn't get back out. So he starved to death, much fun for my mother when I woke up screaming "MAM SANTAS ROTTING IN THE CHIMNEY".

Ah the good old days.
(Fri 24th Dec 2004, 3:55, More)

» Faking it

I've faked stuff purely out of embarrassment
When I was about 11, my mates and myself decided to go to Holy Communion. During my years at primary school I had been taught pretty much nothing about Jesus and Co. as my school was much more ethnically diverse; which meant I knew more about Allah than I did about Jesus.

After a painfully boring service it was time for Holy Communion. My mates were big catholics and I was... um... I don't know, maybe a Christian? So with my lack of knowledge of catholic faith I just got up and followed my mates to the priest.

I was trying to watch what everyone in front of me was doing but I really couldn't see. Finally it was my turn and the priest held out the bread thing and said "Body of Christ". I replied with whatever you're meant to say and then grabbed the bread out of his hand much to his shock.

Bugger. I turned bright red and he said "Are you Catholic?" I replied with a very wobbly but oddly confident "Yes" and took the bread and ate it.

In all fairness I was just really quite hungry; I used to be a really fat little child.

So there we go, I faked being catholic.
(Fri 11th Jul 2008, 11:38, More)