Profile for wingpig:
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Out of date
Recent front page messages:
Best answers to questions:
» World's Sickest Joke
hum
Q: How can you tell that there's an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell that there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: You have to put the partially-eaten dismembered body parts of your infant daughter in the freezer instead.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 5:45, More)
hum
Q: How can you tell that there's an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How can you tell that there are two elephants in your fridge?
A: You have to put the partially-eaten dismembered body parts of your infant daughter in the freezer instead.
(Fri 9th Dec 2005, 5:45, More)
» World's Sickest Joke
heard at work today
The manager of a shop is training a new assistant in advanced sales techniques one sunny Friday in the springtime. "The trick isn't just getting someone to buy something" said the manager. "You have to convince them to buy something they don't want or don't know that they need". Leading by example, the manager tells the assistant to watch him when the next customer arrives.
A few minutes later the bell rings as a customer enters the shop. "Fair morrow, Sir" emits the shopkeep. "How might we help Sir today?".
"I'd like a packet of grass seed, please" said the customer. The manager trotted to a nearby shelf, selected an item and returned.
"Here you are, sir, one packet of grass seed. If you just follow me now I'll take you to the garden hardware department to get you a lawnmower."
"What do I want a lawnmower for?" asked the puzzled customer.
"If Sir looks at the contents of Sir's hand Sir will espy a packet of grass seed," replied the manager. "Grass seed grows into grass which will eventually require cutting."
"What a splendid wheeze!" said the customer before buying the proferred lawnmower.
The manager now told the assistant "the next customer who comes in is yours. Whatever they ask for try and sell them something else that they didn't know they were going to need."
A few short moments later the door opened, the bell tinkled and a second customer appeared. He approached the counter and spoke:
"I'd like a couple of packets of tampons and a bottle of Feminax, please" he said.
"Certainly sir... just a moment... there you go," said the assistant, reaching beneath the counter for the items. "And if you just follow me now I'll take you to the garden hardware department to get you a lawnmower."
"A lawnmower?" puzzled the customer and manager together.
"A lawnmower" replied the assistant. "It looks like you're weekend's fucked so you might as well mow the grass."
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 17:37, More)
heard at work today
The manager of a shop is training a new assistant in advanced sales techniques one sunny Friday in the springtime. "The trick isn't just getting someone to buy something" said the manager. "You have to convince them to buy something they don't want or don't know that they need". Leading by example, the manager tells the assistant to watch him when the next customer arrives.
A few minutes later the bell rings as a customer enters the shop. "Fair morrow, Sir" emits the shopkeep. "How might we help Sir today?".
"I'd like a packet of grass seed, please" said the customer. The manager trotted to a nearby shelf, selected an item and returned.
"Here you are, sir, one packet of grass seed. If you just follow me now I'll take you to the garden hardware department to get you a lawnmower."
"What do I want a lawnmower for?" asked the puzzled customer.
"If Sir looks at the contents of Sir's hand Sir will espy a packet of grass seed," replied the manager. "Grass seed grows into grass which will eventually require cutting."
"What a splendid wheeze!" said the customer before buying the proferred lawnmower.
The manager now told the assistant "the next customer who comes in is yours. Whatever they ask for try and sell them something else that they didn't know they were going to need."
A few short moments later the door opened, the bell tinkled and a second customer appeared. He approached the counter and spoke:
"I'd like a couple of packets of tampons and a bottle of Feminax, please" he said.
"Certainly sir... just a moment... there you go," said the assistant, reaching beneath the counter for the items. "And if you just follow me now I'll take you to the garden hardware department to get you a lawnmower."
"A lawnmower?" puzzled the customer and manager together.
"A lawnmower" replied the assistant. "It looks like you're weekend's fucked so you might as well mow the grass."
(Thu 8th Dec 2005, 17:37, More)
» When animals attack...
I haven't done this yet...
...but the next fucking dog that licks my legs when I'm peacefully walking along the street wearing shorts is going to get kicked in the face...
(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 18:24, More)
I haven't done this yet...
...but the next fucking dog that licks my legs when I'm peacefully walking along the street wearing shorts is going to get kicked in the face...
(Mon 6th Jun 2005, 18:24, More)
» I met a weirdo on the interweb
I remember now...
I haven't really met them but no fewer than five completely random Argentinians have added me to their MSN contact list. Absolutely no idea whatsoever why. I did wonder if perhaps it was the alias I use on Friends Reunited to avoid registering my own name but would doubt that there really is a Pepé Gonzalez-O-Matic anywhere in the world. I haven't just blocked them as there is something amusing about their occasional tirades in Spanish l33t-speak when they seem to take offence at my ignorance of whom the fuck they are..
(Mon 20th Mar 2006, 6:37, More)
I remember now...
I haven't really met them but no fewer than five completely random Argentinians have added me to their MSN contact list. Absolutely no idea whatsoever why. I did wonder if perhaps it was the alias I use on Friends Reunited to avoid registering my own name but would doubt that there really is a Pepé Gonzalez-O-Matic anywhere in the world. I haven't just blocked them as there is something amusing about their occasional tirades in Spanish l33t-speak when they seem to take offence at my ignorance of whom the fuck they are..
(Mon 20th Mar 2006, 6:37, More)
» Encounters with Royalty
His Racist Highness the DoE
I was standing at the back of the group when getting my Duke of Edinburgh gold thingby at St. James's Palace. Although Steve Rider did the actual presenting Phil himself turned up to potter round the room grinning cadaverously and shaking hands with the non-threatening short people in the front row.
He's absolutely miniscule; probably barely up to my chin (should I have wished to be that close to him) making him about 5'2". Had a look of drink about him (at about 10 in the morning) too.
I was also once working at the counter of the kitchen of a restaurant past which the Queen was driven. She was sitting down in a car so I have no idea how tall she was.
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 20:54, More)
His Racist Highness the DoE
I was standing at the back of the group when getting my Duke of Edinburgh gold thingby at St. James's Palace. Although Steve Rider did the actual presenting Phil himself turned up to potter round the room grinning cadaverously and shaking hands with the non-threatening short people in the front row.
He's absolutely miniscule; probably barely up to my chin (should I have wished to be that close to him) making him about 5'2". Had a look of drink about him (at about 10 in the morning) too.
I was also once working at the counter of the kitchen of a restaurant past which the Queen was driven. She was sitting down in a car so I have no idea how tall she was.
(Thu 3rd Aug 2006, 20:54, More)