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» When I met the parents

I'd been seeing my then girlfriend for some months and had managed to avoid meeting her parents. We were alone in the house and had been getting up to some teenage fumblings when it was time to go home.

I went to call a cab but the missus insisted she did. Got in the cab and was asked the usual small talk by mr driver such as what you been up to, did you have a nice time.

Of course I answered 'fucking right' and went into detail of how dirty she was, how I was only using her for sex (I was an obnoxious arse) and even offered 'you can have a sniff if you like!' (A very obnoxious arse)

Finally got home and asked him how much do I owe you and he said 'nothing, just keep the fuck away from my daughter, as I now know where you live.'

How I was I to know her dad was a cabbie?
(Mon 23rd May 2005, 8:51, More)

» Weddings

'Ave it!!!!
Best man at my brothers wedding and oh so slightly f*cked. Towards the end of the reception my new sister in law takes to the dance floor and following tradition throws her (very, very expensive) boquet over her head for some lucky girly to catch.

Except that I had staggered on to the middle of the dance floor at this precise point, saw this thing flying through the air and proceeded to catch with an almighty volley that Shearer would of been proud of before running off with my shirt over my head..

'Ave it!!!!
(Mon 18th Jul 2005, 14:23, More)

» Not Losing Your Virginity

From the greatest regrets a few weeks back. I still sob to this day
Many years ago when I was a randy teenager avec cherry I was given the perfect opportunity to ditch my V plates - my parents had decided to go on holiday for the first ever time without me and my older brother and so I invited the then girlfriend round.

I was going out with a lovely young lady at the time who was very open, forward, fit and most importantly, filth. After many years of waiting and er, performing solo I was going to get some. Just as long as my brother pissed off and left for the night.

I convinced my big brother to politely fuck off for the evening and leave me and the missus alone. I reckon 5 minutes would have probably done but he agreed to leave for the night - too willingly looking back now.

As soon as he left the house I began getting ready, tidying the house and relieving the pressure with a quick ménage a une when my brother and 3 of his friends burst into my room, pinned me to my bed and proceed to cover my crotch with 3 bottles of green food dye (one would have done, really) and then ran off out the house into my brothers car leaving me with Grotbags' thumb hanging out my pants.

My girlfriend was due round any minute and as this was pre-mobile era, there was nothing I could do to stop her coming round. Being a man, British and proud I did the brave thing and cried like a little girl til the missus came round, hid Orville’s wing tip, dried my eyes and let her in.

She only wanted one thing and pestered me all night but I was too embarrassed to let her know what had happened and instead told her things were moving too fast (smooth) and that we should take our time.

Two days later I was dumped for being a frigid twat. It was a good few months before mini hulk looked more like Dr. Banner again and three years before I finally got some. From green cock to blue balls.

My final regrets are firtly not noticing the flash that went off in the background when my brother and his friends jumped me and secondly taking my camera to the local snappy snaps a few months later to proces what I thought was innocent holiday photos rather than posting the film....
(Fri 27th Oct 2006, 13:26, More)

» Restaurants, Kitchens and Bars... Oh my!

Cellar loving
At a pub I used to work at my manageress was caught quite literally over a barrel by her husband as she got a good seeing to from behind in the cellar. Rather than him losing his cool and belting seven shades out of the barman providing a different kind of service (can’t blame him as he was a huge squaddie) he simply calmly went back upstairs, locked the cellar from the out side and then parked his car over the top of the delivery hatch so that the pair of them were stuck downstairs. After emptying the till and giving the keys over to the regulars he walked out never to be seen again.

The regulars nearly drank the whole place dry and even had the balls to shout down to the lovebirds in the cellar to change barrels when they ran out.
(Thu 27th Jul 2006, 16:26, More)

» Injured Siblings

Revenge is a dish best served smack in the f*cking face
After years and years of suffering pain at the hands of elder brother - incidents including being slammed off my parents bed on to a the outstretched leg of a camp bed (aged 5, 8 stitches by the spine), having a fish knife thrown into my skull (aged 8 weeks, 4 stitches) thrown down a flight of stairs into the porch window (aged 6, multiple stitches in multiple wounds), repeatedly suffering spinal injuries due to the 'alphabet game' (I'd be bundled to the floor, kicked into a small ball and then have a chair placed on my back. He'd then go through the alphabet and, at the letter R he'd push the chair down as hard as he could so I'd go ARRRRRGH so he could continue from S onwards - educational you see?) and punched through our open front door only to sail over all three steps and onto the non-soft concrete floor (aged 12, 9 stitches in the back of the head) I decided to challenge him one night to a pillow fight.

His spotty face filled with glee as he charged towards me with his duck feathered filled delight thinking he was about to give his little brother another sound beating. I caught him square in the face as he sprinted forward and knocked the cunt spark out.

He hadn't bargained on me sticking a 2 inch thick wooden bread board inside my pillow case.

To this day my favourite noise in the whole wide world is 'thunk'.

His violent and bullying ways never stopped though and he went on to join the police.
Coincidence? Bollocks.
(Mon 22nd Aug 2005, 12:31, More)
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