» Asking people out

An act of desperation...
When I was 15 or 16, I spent the better part of an afternoon going through my AIM buddy list asking out nearly all of the attractive ladies of my school (in order of most fancied to least fancied) and came up with a whopping zero positive responses.

By the way, did you know womenfolk like to talk about such things to each other? Yes, I was quite the pariah after that.
(Thu 10th Dec 2009, 19:34, More)

» Personal Hygiene

Not the greatest story, but still... WHY?!
My local Subway restaraunt is a good two minutes' drive from my school, so it's a frequent lunch destination. But one lunch there would be unforgettable.

A woman walks in, wearing a regular old ratty shirt and blue sweatpants, awkwardly high above her waist, but not quite above her belly. She walked in and headed straight to the bathroom.

A moment later she reappeared, and stood in line, patiently waiting to order. From my seating position, I could see her back and rear end clearly, and it was then that I noticed there was something new on her solid blue sweat pants. Something new and brown.

I pointed out to my friends the one large and four small satellite smears on this woman's pants and as I struggled to keep eating, I hoped to god that when she reached the cash register, (which was closer to us than she was when I noticed the smears) we would have the fortune not to recieve a waft of aformentioned smears. No such luck.

In fact, it was something of a BLAST of shit-smell launched out of parallel, vertical cannons into each of my nostrils as she reached the cash register. We all smelled it at the same time, and I stood up to run to the bathroom, closely followed by one of my friends, when I realized that it was the bathroom was the scene of the crime to begin with. Fearing the horrors of what lay inside, I turned around and stopped my friend, and we all just grabbed our food and booked it out the door, breathing deeply the clean fresh air.

Quite an adventure in disgust.
(Mon 26th Mar 2007, 21:49, More)

» Personal Hygiene

so one time..
i bought these pants and they were particularly long, so i wore them further above my waist than i normally would

and that's the story of my personal high jeans
(Tue 27th Mar 2007, 23:32, More)

» Failed Projects

Genius!
I had a friend who seemed to spend most of his time thinking up get-rich-quick schemes. For example:

"I'm going to buy an ex-police dog, you know, the kind that can sniff out pot, and just go for walks in the woods to find people's pot plants and steal them. I'll make a fortune."

But his best work: He found an old, probably broken car alternator, managed to somehow attach a lopsided bamboo rod and bit of cloth to it, and proclaimed it a "windmill." It was difficult enough to rotate manually, the wind was going to be much less successful. His plan was to put it on his roof, and rake in the savings on his energy bills. My reaction:

"Mate,* even if this thing worked, it would probably barely produce enough energy to power a lightbulb."

"Yes, but if I had 50 of these..."

* I am American, so of course what I really said was "Dude," but I'm trying to localize my story for all y'all across the pond.
(Sun 6th Dec 2009, 2:50, More)

» Schadenfreude

I'll make this quick:
In primary school, a very large (250lb+) and a very small (75lb+) boy were arguing. The large boy gave the small boy a swift kick to the groin. He lifted off the ground about 4-5 inches, rotated 45 degrees, then fell to the ground, screaming.
(Mon 21st Dec 2009, 4:54, More)