b3ta.com user A bit Manchester
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I live in Manchester.

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» Hidden Treasure

Sicilians Love the Hoff
When I was younger I was staying in a rented villa in the north of Sicily. One day I was rummaging around in the attic and I stumbled upon a large cardboard box full of unlabeled videos.
Thinking to my self "Huzzah, the greatest trove of nasty Mediterranean smut imaginable"
This was not to be the case.
It was in fact a large collection of assorted David Hasslehoff videos. Concerts, TV Interviews etc etc.
Not best pleased I can tell you.
(Thu 30th Jun 2005, 16:32, More)

» The Onosecond

Nice new hair
I was lying in bed last night with my girlfriend when she commented that she liked my new haircut.
Fair enough says I and remembering that she said she was having hers done (she didn't say when) asked the innocent question of
"Oh thank you, when are you getting yours done?"
In between the words vacating my mouth and me installing my foot firmly in their place my brain kicked in and went "Onooooooooo".

Even though I couldn't tell the difference betwixt the old and new, I knew in my heart of hearts she had, and that my whole universe was about to get a whole lot less fun.
Fortunately I somehow used my boyish charm and good looks to prevent her castrating me and we are now back on speaking terms.

Length, Girth? They were my only saving graces last night.
(Wed 1st Jun 2005, 8:13, More)

» That's when I knew it was over...

Drunk Pirate sees battalion sex Ex for what she is.
My ex-girlfriend, lets call her Sarah, had dumped me some weeks before this story begins by text message. But she had continued to send me txts saying she wanted me back etc.

Anyhoo, my friend Simon had come down from Scotland to try and cheer me up. So we got dressed up as pirates (it is all most impossible to be unhappy while dressed as a pirate) and went to the first party of the evening. Much booze and inappropriate behaviour later we, still dressed in full pirate regalia, went to another house party being held by some of my other friends.

My ex-girlfriend is friends with one of my old school friends and thinking that I wouldn't be at the second house party (she had been avoiding me as I told her I never wanted to see her again) had turned up with him.
I, slightly worse for wear (I still haven't learnt after seven years of Stella abuse that it makes me into an uncontrollable, sex mad idiot, who says bad things and doesn't remember what he's done), whispered something inappropriate into Sarah's ear and then led her to the bathroom.
Where we had NastyDirtySex.
The problem was I a horrible moment of clarity just as I was finishing off.
This was not good.
I realised in my fleeting moment of sobriety she had put on a wee bit of weight (approx 2 imperial stones) and looked like a hooker who had just completed a Joy Division "battalion" marathon.
Anyhoo I grabbed my clothes and open the bathroom door to find all of my friends from the party stood out side the door, they stared, they pointed in shock and then they cheered.

I looked back into the room, realised what i'd done and that it really was over, ran into the kitchen and had a huge slug of brandy, was sick and then demanded to be taken home.

I still have my "lucky" pirate outfit and have never been unhappy while wearing it.

I havn't spoken to her since, I think she got the message
(Thu 21st Jul 2005, 13:30, More)

» Barred

The Orange Grove - Fallowfield
A friend of mine was barred from there for haveing a poo in a one of the sinks.

I don't speak to him any more.
(Thu 31st Aug 2006, 15:51, More)

» Your Weirdest Teacher

Having read Humptys stories of Sedbergh based nutters my favourite teacher springs to mind.
Dr C.
On occaision RAF jets would fly down the valley that my school was in.
This scared Dr C.
So much so, he would retire to the safety of the space under his desk and make duck noises untill they went away.
He would make random farm animal noises to illustrate the finer points of Latin verb conjugation and generally acted like a care in the community patient.

(M Rawe from one of Humptys earlier posts had an interesting way of disicplining naughty boys, by bending them over their desks and then kicking them as hard as he physically could while shouting "SCREW KICK".)
(Thu 10th Nov 2005, 16:53, More)
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