Drunk Pirate sees battalion sex Ex for what she is.
My ex-girlfriend, lets call her Sarah, had dumped me some weeks before this story begins by text message. But she had continued to send me txts saying she wanted me back etc.

Anyhoo, my friend Simon had come down from Scotland to try and cheer me up. So we got dressed up as pirates (it is all most impossible to be unhappy while dressed as a pirate) and went to the first party of the evening. Much booze and inappropriate behaviour later we, still dressed in full pirate regalia, went to another house party being held by some of my other friends.

My ex-girlfriend is friends with one of my old school friends and thinking that I wouldn't be at the second house party (she had been avoiding me as I told her I never wanted to see her again) had turned up with him.
I, slightly worse for wear (I still haven't learnt after seven years of Stella abuse that it makes me into an uncontrollable, sex mad idiot, who says bad things and doesn't remember what he's done), whispered something inappropriate into Sarah's ear and then led her to the bathroom.
Where we had NastyDirtySex.
The problem was I a horrible moment of clarity just as I was finishing off.
This was not good.
I realised in my fleeting moment of sobriety she had put on a wee bit of weight (approx 2 imperial stones) and looked like a hooker who had just completed a Joy Division "battalion" marathon.
Anyhoo I grabbed my clothes and open the bathroom door to find all of my friends from the party stood out side the door, they stared, they pointed in shock and then they cheered.

I looked back into the room, realised what i'd done and that it really was over, ran into the kitchen and had a huge slug of brandy, was sick and then demanded to be taken home.

I still have my "lucky" pirate outfit and have never been unhappy while wearing it.

I havn't spoken to her since, I think she got the message
(A bit Manchester, Thu 21 Jul 2005, 13:30, Reply)